After ten grueling weeks of waking up early after going to bed post-2-am work, I finally have a break... NOT. I am starting an even more grueling routine that includes a mega workout each day until Feb. 4. I am testing to join the fire department and need to pass the physical aspect of the test!
I want to take a phlebotomy class but it costs 1500$... I don't even have 100$ extra right now! Thankfully Elaine and Dad are giving me my personal trainer for Christmas (150$) but even with the help, I am not going to be able to afford a phlebotomy class. I have too many bills to pay.
On the bright side I am going to be taking two classes at Eastern and working out as much as i breathe and I will start feeling better. The busier I am the happier I am :)
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Class starts next week!
I officially start my EMT B course next week. I've been reading the textbook for awhile now and I hope that I have a pretty good grip on the material and the class will be a little easier since I have read some of the text. I am nervous to be taking it at the fire station where my boyfriend works since there will be firefighters that he will be working with in the class and I don't want the people to be all "oh that's Ben's girlfriend, blah blah blah". Mostly I just don't want HIM to get the pressure of it either.
The chipmunk died, by the way.
All the roommates are moved in now. They are really great girls. It is the complete opposite of the way that it was last year. I rarely wanted to come home because of the way that I felt that I was being judged by all of the girls that I lived with and that they were going to say snide things.
This year I feel like there is honesty with these girls. I feel like there is real love and that it is a nurturing environment. I will grow this year in this environment. It is grand. :)
The chipmunk died, by the way.
All the roommates are moved in now. They are really great girls. It is the complete opposite of the way that it was last year. I rarely wanted to come home because of the way that I felt that I was being judged by all of the girls that I lived with and that they were going to say snide things.
This year I feel like there is honesty with these girls. I feel like there is real love and that it is a nurturing environment. I will grow this year in this environment. It is grand. :)
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I found a chipmunk!
Well, my coworkers did. It was in the main public room that we use here for large functions. They went in to clean in and the chipmunk was laying on the rug, not moving. It's eyes were still closed and it was breathing so I took it and put in in a bucket with some warm cloths. I hope it lives!
Ben bought some pedialyte and a dropper to feed it and i looked up how to care for the little bugger online.
Tomorrow I hope to be able to take it to vet or release it into the wild soon!
It's a cute little thing!
Ben bought some pedialyte and a dropper to feed it and i looked up how to care for the little bugger online.
Tomorrow I hope to be able to take it to vet or release it into the wild soon!
It's a cute little thing!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Why does stuff make me feel like I have grown up?
Since moving into my new apartment/duplex I have acquired permanent furniture. I have a nice table, a futon/couch, a nice coffee table, a king size bed, and two nice dressers in addition to my kitchen stuff.
Why does this make me feel like more of an adult? Owning my own things makes me feel independent and like I could handle things on my own. I feel empowered knowing that the table in my kitchen is actually mine, not borrowed from another roommate or temporarily placed in my kitchen until someone moves out.
I have been jealous for years of the people that I know that actually do own their own stuff. Who have items that will follow them into their next apartments or into there marriages. And now that I have my own things, I feel like I am adult too. It's a nice feeling.
Is it bad though?
Why does this make me feel like more of an adult? Owning my own things makes me feel independent and like I could handle things on my own. I feel empowered knowing that the table in my kitchen is actually mine, not borrowed from another roommate or temporarily placed in my kitchen until someone moves out.
I have been jealous for years of the people that I know that actually do own their own stuff. Who have items that will follow them into their next apartments or into there marriages. And now that I have my own things, I feel like I am adult too. It's a nice feeling.
Is it bad though?
Saturday, August 20, 2011
I could have loved you
This is a letter to the person I could have loved.
I could have loved you. Sometimes you come into my building and I hear you talking in the hall on the phone or in the little room in the corner. I see you pass by, or your name on someone's Facebook, or a photo and I freeze. Completely. I know I made a terrible mistake in the way that I treated you and the way things ended up. I owe you more than an "I'm sorry" and more than an explanation. I am guilt ridden and ashamed of my actions but I lay in the bed I made.
The truth is I was, and still am afraid. I am afraid that I can never be a person who is totally in love with God. I do not feel chosen, I do not feel pursued, I make mistakes that I believe are too big to just "make white as snow". Because of this, I felt like I do not deserve you. Perhaps one day I will be able to comprehend that God's grace is bigger than my life. It is one thing to know a concept, it is another to understand and accept that same concept.
I imagine that life could have been easier. You are stronger than me and would have tried to lead me in the right direction. You would have had patience. You, at the time, already encouraged me and listened. You were perfect, smart, funny, reliable, and did what you said you would when you said you would... and I felt like I could never have lived up to that. I'm erratic. I'm not punctual, I listen to all types of music, I get obsessed with learning something for awhile and then completely abandon the project, I lose touch with people, I can never find my keys or my cell phone, and I'm an emotional roller coaster mid-month, and I am almost never on track.
Oh, and one more thing. You were right. I have a really hard time letting go of things.
It was never a choice between you or him. You are the type of man that parents want their daughters to find and marry. And I am sure that will happen to you. He is the person that I fell in love with and even though the knowledge that giving him another chance could be a huge mistake and end just as tragically as the first time, I had to. I would have never been able to let myself love you when in the back of my mind I believe that he is the person that I wanted to be with, truly. It would have never been fair to you. I couldn't do that. I thought I was sure. I thought I could go through with moving on with my life because it was the right thing to do. But I was wrong. Boy was I ever wrong.
Balancing a life is not an easy thing to do. Lately I have learned so many things about myself that I have never known before because I have started to give myself space to make mistakes and learned to slow down. I have striven to be the perfect, faultless person that everyone seems to want me to be in this life but I have felt like a fraud while living up to those expectations. Unfortunately this extended into our friendship almost-relationship. I wanted to be someone that deserved you, and I wasn't.
The man I love now is someone that hasn't always treated me the best. I know this. I know that my life, at times, has been harder because of my relationship with him. I know that I may have made the wrong choice. But I made a choice.
When I think about this I shudder because I really did like you, and I know eventually, I would have fallen in love with you because that is what I do.
I am sorry that I hurt you and that we may never speak again. It hurts me too. I think that you were a little bit of a jerk towards me when you told me that girls like me turn guys like you into assholes though. I don't want you to be an asshole. Please, don't let me do that to you. Don't be cold.
I cannot ever actually give you this letter. I am too afraid. I think this letter is vulnerable and doesn't change anything. It is selfish that I believe that I am getting what I deserve as long as you believe that I am not a good person.
I'm not, by the way. I've tried, and tried, and tried, and failed.
The person I am with now is working on himself and with me to make our relationship better and work. He wants it to work. He is trying, actually trying, opening up to me, and not letting go. If this go awry this time, I know it is not because he doesn't love me, but because it isn't meant to be. We have our battles and little spats and even the big issues... but I am happy because we are working on them together.
I could have loved you. Sometimes you come into my building and I hear you talking in the hall on the phone or in the little room in the corner. I see you pass by, or your name on someone's Facebook, or a photo and I freeze. Completely. I know I made a terrible mistake in the way that I treated you and the way things ended up. I owe you more than an "I'm sorry" and more than an explanation. I am guilt ridden and ashamed of my actions but I lay in the bed I made.
The truth is I was, and still am afraid. I am afraid that I can never be a person who is totally in love with God. I do not feel chosen, I do not feel pursued, I make mistakes that I believe are too big to just "make white as snow". Because of this, I felt like I do not deserve you. Perhaps one day I will be able to comprehend that God's grace is bigger than my life. It is one thing to know a concept, it is another to understand and accept that same concept.
I imagine that life could have been easier. You are stronger than me and would have tried to lead me in the right direction. You would have had patience. You, at the time, already encouraged me and listened. You were perfect, smart, funny, reliable, and did what you said you would when you said you would... and I felt like I could never have lived up to that. I'm erratic. I'm not punctual, I listen to all types of music, I get obsessed with learning something for awhile and then completely abandon the project, I lose touch with people, I can never find my keys or my cell phone, and I'm an emotional roller coaster mid-month, and I am almost never on track.
Oh, and one more thing. You were right. I have a really hard time letting go of things.
It was never a choice between you or him. You are the type of man that parents want their daughters to find and marry. And I am sure that will happen to you. He is the person that I fell in love with and even though the knowledge that giving him another chance could be a huge mistake and end just as tragically as the first time, I had to. I would have never been able to let myself love you when in the back of my mind I believe that he is the person that I wanted to be with, truly. It would have never been fair to you. I couldn't do that. I thought I was sure. I thought I could go through with moving on with my life because it was the right thing to do. But I was wrong. Boy was I ever wrong.
Balancing a life is not an easy thing to do. Lately I have learned so many things about myself that I have never known before because I have started to give myself space to make mistakes and learned to slow down. I have striven to be the perfect, faultless person that everyone seems to want me to be in this life but I have felt like a fraud while living up to those expectations. Unfortunately this extended into our friendship almost-relationship. I wanted to be someone that deserved you, and I wasn't.
The man I love now is someone that hasn't always treated me the best. I know this. I know that my life, at times, has been harder because of my relationship with him. I know that I may have made the wrong choice. But I made a choice.
When I think about this I shudder because I really did like you, and I know eventually, I would have fallen in love with you because that is what I do.
I am sorry that I hurt you and that we may never speak again. It hurts me too. I think that you were a little bit of a jerk towards me when you told me that girls like me turn guys like you into assholes though. I don't want you to be an asshole. Please, don't let me do that to you. Don't be cold.
I cannot ever actually give you this letter. I am too afraid. I think this letter is vulnerable and doesn't change anything. It is selfish that I believe that I am getting what I deserve as long as you believe that I am not a good person.
I'm not, by the way. I've tried, and tried, and tried, and failed.
The person I am with now is working on himself and with me to make our relationship better and work. He wants it to work. He is trying, actually trying, opening up to me, and not letting go. If this go awry this time, I know it is not because he doesn't love me, but because it isn't meant to be. We have our battles and little spats and even the big issues... but I am happy because we are working on them together.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I don't know what it is about Mat Kearney
Mat Kearney is always making me cry. Every album he releases has at least one or two songs that really hit home with me and I listen to repeat and cry my little heart out until I feel better.
This album's is "Ships in the Night", number two on his album Young Love.
He's really a talented artist. I started listening to him before I became a Christian and sort of just filtered out the references like I did with all other music with Christian undertones. A close friend at the time, Matt (haha), led me towards the song "Girl America" and a few others that I listened to regularly throughout high school and shared with my closest friends.
I was having a pretty bad night tonight. It is my Monday and there isn't much to do. I downloaded Young Love and then it wouldn't work on my Android! So I had to reset my phone and it finally works... and now I am really enjoying this music as I get through the rest of my night.
:)
Here is the link to the Amazon album:
http://www.amazon.com/Young-Love/dp/B005DP60RE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1313130911&sr=8-1
This album's is "Ships in the Night", number two on his album Young Love.
He's really a talented artist. I started listening to him before I became a Christian and sort of just filtered out the references like I did with all other music with Christian undertones. A close friend at the time, Matt (haha), led me towards the song "Girl America" and a few others that I listened to regularly throughout high school and shared with my closest friends.
I was having a pretty bad night tonight. It is my Monday and there isn't much to do. I downloaded Young Love and then it wouldn't work on my Android! So I had to reset my phone and it finally works... and now I am really enjoying this music as I get through the rest of my night.
:)
Here is the link to the Amazon album:
http://www.amazon.com/Young-Love/dp/B005DP60RE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1313130911&sr=8-1
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Fall Classes
I have been working towards taking the EMT-B course at SCC this fall. My initial intention was to be able to get a job at a hospital or with an ambulatory company so I don't have to work at Eastern anymore. My five dollar classes are awesome, but I hate cleaning for a living. I want to be doing something that actually helps people.
Traveling to another country has been on my heart a lot lately too. I am now more motivated to get my EMT certification so I can travel to another country and help out for a summer. I am considering this program: http://www.abroaderview.org/volunteers/ghana/ . There is also one in Tanzania that looks promising.
My heart absolutely breaks when I spend too much time thinking about the sick and poor in the world without basic access to things like good nutrition and clean water. I am well aware that my own country is suffering too and there are people that are more than willing to jump up and tell me that I should stay here and help the sick and poor in my own country. Honestly, I don't know that I could do that with a good conscience. After all, I genuinely believe that it is my purpose to go around the world helping those who need it, possibly even forsaking family, relationships, etc. for God and the healing that he can do through the education I will receive. I know to a lot of people that sounds crazy, but to me, it feels right, like when you lay in your own bed after a long trip away from home. Helping other people is my home. It is my warm bed.
Traveling to another country has been on my heart a lot lately too. I am now more motivated to get my EMT certification so I can travel to another country and help out for a summer. I am considering this program: http://www.abroaderview.org/volunteers/ghana/ . There is also one in Tanzania that looks promising.
My heart absolutely breaks when I spend too much time thinking about the sick and poor in the world without basic access to things like good nutrition and clean water. I am well aware that my own country is suffering too and there are people that are more than willing to jump up and tell me that I should stay here and help the sick and poor in my own country. Honestly, I don't know that I could do that with a good conscience. After all, I genuinely believe that it is my purpose to go around the world helping those who need it, possibly even forsaking family, relationships, etc. for God and the healing that he can do through the education I will receive. I know to a lot of people that sounds crazy, but to me, it feels right, like when you lay in your own bed after a long trip away from home. Helping other people is my home. It is my warm bed.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Leading myself out
Young adults are always told that we should not rush into anything because we have not "found ourselves" yet. I have come to realize that many of my impetuous decisions stem from actually not knowing what I want out of this life, and in turn, finding new things that I like or hate depending on what new trend I decide to be obsessed with for awhile. All my friends are getting married and having kids, getting their college degrees, following God (and making it seem easy), and just going about their lives. There are times when I want to do just what they are, but most of the time I find that all I really want to do is travel around the country and read books and meet new people. Sure, my dream to be a medical professional is very important to me, but it isn't everything. Life is a lot more than a career and kids. I do not want to be stuck here forever. (here being washington.) Some days I just want to sell all my stuff, buy a car, and gtfo of this state. Me and music and the free road, meeting and getting to know new people... And writing again. My writing has become base and uninteresting. My style has faded into simple sentences and has no voice or flair. I read old papers and journal entries and am sad because I had talent, and then I just quit. I quit and became a text-facebook junkie. My vocabularly dropped to an all time low and since I do not have a computer and my hand cramps writing long hand, I just quit. Maybe it is time to move on after all.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
And there I go, all crazy again
"Hey, get some more sleep."
"Woman, go to bed earlier."
"Drink more water!"
"This again!?!? I wanted some fruits and veggies, not fried foods!"
My body has been chastising me for not taking care of it again.
With these wacky hours I work, getting enough sleep (or too much!) can be a challenge at times. My windows aren't blacked out and I don't have my own bedroom so interruptions are common throughout the mornings when I am trying to sleep.
Getting up to work out is another total challenge... and boy do I feel the consequences of that! My muscles are extremely tight and could use a good long stretch and run. I tried that yesterday though, only to end up even more sore!
On top of all this: my budget just got extra strapped. My roommates and I got a new place but we have to pay two rents this summer each... and two can't pay so my roommate and I are footing the bill for now until they are able to pay us back. Bye bye fruits and vegetables!
So how to remedy this new shift challenge? I think I have a few ideas:
1. I just need to buy more yogurt so I can make my smoothies again.
2. Come up with a set sleep schedule - and stick to it. Since I cannot go to bed until 4 a.m. without struggling, I will make 4 a.m. my bedtime... and get 7-8 hours of rest before I get up again to exercise.
3. I need to make ME time. I keep talking about it but it never happens.
"Woman, go to bed earlier."
"Drink more water!"
"This again!?!? I wanted some fruits and veggies, not fried foods!"
My body has been chastising me for not taking care of it again.
With these wacky hours I work, getting enough sleep (or too much!) can be a challenge at times. My windows aren't blacked out and I don't have my own bedroom so interruptions are common throughout the mornings when I am trying to sleep.
Getting up to work out is another total challenge... and boy do I feel the consequences of that! My muscles are extremely tight and could use a good long stretch and run. I tried that yesterday though, only to end up even more sore!
On top of all this: my budget just got extra strapped. My roommates and I got a new place but we have to pay two rents this summer each... and two can't pay so my roommate and I are footing the bill for now until they are able to pay us back. Bye bye fruits and vegetables!
So how to remedy this new shift challenge? I think I have a few ideas:
1. I just need to buy more yogurt so I can make my smoothies again.
2. Come up with a set sleep schedule - and stick to it. Since I cannot go to bed until 4 a.m. without struggling, I will make 4 a.m. my bedtime... and get 7-8 hours of rest before I get up again to exercise.
3. I need to make ME time. I keep talking about it but it never happens.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Sunshine!
The sun decided it wanted our relationship back. No more hiding behind the snow clouds, it promised. It even kissed me a little, leaving a bit of a mark after our afternoon together.
Sun, I wanted you back too. This wasn't one sided.
I ran outside today like a little kid runs into Toys 'R Us. I grabbed my towel, my bible, my bottle of water, and soaked up that sun like it was oxygen. I could absorb so much calcium right now! My bones are going to be in shock thanks to all that Vitamin D.
Basking in the glory of the sun gives me a TON of time to think about a lot of weird things:
1. Since I was reading/listening to Leviticus again (I sort of skimmed it and didn't really pay attention since that book has nothing in it but rules) the topic of the day seemed to be food... don't eat the fat, the kidneys, the long lobe of the liver, etc... that part is for God... but the meat is for the preists ya'll, and they are having USDA Choice Steaks tonight! The bread might be dry and chewy, but ooooh man those steaks!
2. Has anyone ever noticed that things that buzz are typically dangerous? A bee and horsefly buzzed by on several occasions... but that isn't the end of the list... Add in powerlines and chainsaws and I think I am on to something!
3. Sunshine either puts me to sleep quickly or wakes me up. Go from my dark bedroom cave into the blinding light of the day and I will be instantly awake... however I can be perfectly awake and go to the beach and I will be sleepy in a matter of minutes of tanning.
4. I'll admit, I can see why people thought there was a Sun God. Heck, if I was in some ancient society that was not aware of God... I would probably have made up a Sun God too. It just makes sense. I don't blame them. The sun is pretty awesome... but hey... that just means God is even MORE awesome.
Sun, I wanted you back too. This wasn't one sided.
I ran outside today like a little kid runs into Toys 'R Us. I grabbed my towel, my bible, my bottle of water, and soaked up that sun like it was oxygen. I could absorb so much calcium right now! My bones are going to be in shock thanks to all that Vitamin D.
Basking in the glory of the sun gives me a TON of time to think about a lot of weird things:
1. Since I was reading/listening to Leviticus again (I sort of skimmed it and didn't really pay attention since that book has nothing in it but rules) the topic of the day seemed to be food... don't eat the fat, the kidneys, the long lobe of the liver, etc... that part is for God... but the meat is for the preists ya'll, and they are having USDA Choice Steaks tonight! The bread might be dry and chewy, but ooooh man those steaks!
2. Has anyone ever noticed that things that buzz are typically dangerous? A bee and horsefly buzzed by on several occasions... but that isn't the end of the list... Add in powerlines and chainsaws and I think I am on to something!
3. Sunshine either puts me to sleep quickly or wakes me up. Go from my dark bedroom cave into the blinding light of the day and I will be instantly awake... however I can be perfectly awake and go to the beach and I will be sleepy in a matter of minutes of tanning.
4. I'll admit, I can see why people thought there was a Sun God. Heck, if I was in some ancient society that was not aware of God... I would probably have made up a Sun God too. It just makes sense. I don't blame them. The sun is pretty awesome... but hey... that just means God is even MORE awesome.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sucker Punch'd
"You have all the weapons you need. Fight."
What?!?!?
I went to see Sucker Punch tonight with Donny. If the film-makers intended on making me feel terrible, they succeeded.
If you add up all the terrible things that can be done to women, starting with not listening to them, throwing in rape, murder, prostitution, and just generally being pushed around, you have the recipe for Sucker Punch. I have to admit the movie was aptly named... since it certainly left me feeling like I just was emotionally sucker-punched.
If there were teenage boys in the audience I think they would be squirming in their seats with infatuation over the scantily clad girls yielding weapons in video-game-esque fantasy girl scenes. My friend disagrees with me and believes that teenage girls who are video-game obsessed would enjoy the film more.
I think you get the picture though - with names like SweetPea and BabyDoll and Blondie... this movie was NOT about strong female heroines. It objectified the girls in the movie and honestly, made me feel horrible. I felt bad for the characters, mad because of the injustice, and even when the happy ending came, I still was left with that horrible vomit taste in my mouth that no amount of fluids can wash away.
ugh. Maybe I should check the movies I watch out more before I actually spend money to see them. Thankfully it was only 3.50.
What?!?!?
I went to see Sucker Punch tonight with Donny. If the film-makers intended on making me feel terrible, they succeeded.
If you add up all the terrible things that can be done to women, starting with not listening to them, throwing in rape, murder, prostitution, and just generally being pushed around, you have the recipe for Sucker Punch. I have to admit the movie was aptly named... since it certainly left me feeling like I just was emotionally sucker-punched.
If there were teenage boys in the audience I think they would be squirming in their seats with infatuation over the scantily clad girls yielding weapons in video-game-esque fantasy girl scenes. My friend disagrees with me and believes that teenage girls who are video-game obsessed would enjoy the film more.
I think you get the picture though - with names like SweetPea and BabyDoll and Blondie... this movie was NOT about strong female heroines. It objectified the girls in the movie and honestly, made me feel horrible. I felt bad for the characters, mad because of the injustice, and even when the happy ending came, I still was left with that horrible vomit taste in my mouth that no amount of fluids can wash away.
ugh. Maybe I should check the movies I watch out more before I actually spend money to see them. Thankfully it was only 3.50.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Oh how I cried for your existance
I never knew how much I want to be a mother until the chance to be a mother was seemingly stripped from me yesterday.
My gynecologist informed me that my symptoms are classic symptoms of PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, one of the most common endocrine disorders in women that affects fertility. Basically my body doesn't produce the correct hormones and over produces androgen close to my cycle (the male hormone).
PCOS affects approximately 5-10% of the female population (and that is a lot). It causes irregular menstrual cycles and ovulation issues, obesity, unsightly hair growth, and can possibly lead to Type 2 Diabetes and some heart issues later on down the road. Infertility is the biggest scare factor in the diagnosis of the disease. However, since I am at a normal weight (hallelujah) the blood factors and other issues do not affect me as much at the moment. My doctor said that if I were to gain weight that the symptoms would most likely rear their ugly little heads again and it would be highly unlikely for me to be able to become pregnant.
She said that by putting me on birth control now we can eliminate a lot of the other issues that are associated with PCOS. It explains why while on birth control as a teen, I lost weight and felt healthier overall. If I ever want to be pregnant, it will have to be well planned and include hormone therapy and I must be at a healthy weight...
So I guess that means no more donettes.... (Man, I love those things!)
This news came out of the blue for me. I felt crushed because it seemed like it was no big deal to her to inform a 20 year old girl that she is going to have difficulty having babies. Having children is one of the most important things that I want to do in my life. All day yesterday I felt devastated, crushed, and defeated... but strangely, not mad at God. I thought I would be... but instead I just felt deeply saddened by this news.
I still believe I will have children. When - I don't know. Where- I don't know. How - I don't know. But I trust that this deep set desire will be fulfilled one day. Maybe I will have a child of my own or maybe I will adopt a child.( I have always wanted to adopt a child.)
I cried immensely over my loss yesterday. I cried because I never thought that I would be one who would struggle with infertility. I have read stories of women who struggle with it and felt sympathy for them never even considering that it could be me in their position. I cried and I prayed for peace to come, begged for relief, and wept because I feel that somehow my identity as a woman has been destroyed.
Today I have found a little relief and a little peace. I am not as concerned about the inability to have a child because the truth is that there is hope - I can have a child but it will just be more difficult for me to conceive. If God chooses to bless me and my future husband with children so we can glorify Him more, let it be. If my future husband and I are able to glorify God more without children, as hard as it would be, let it be. I do not think God plans on hurting us. I think that God has instilled a desire for medicine, ministry, and family in me because He plans on using me in really great ways with the things that he gives. I only hope that I can live up to the full potential that I have and be able to let go when I have to.
My gynecologist informed me that my symptoms are classic symptoms of PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, one of the most common endocrine disorders in women that affects fertility. Basically my body doesn't produce the correct hormones and over produces androgen close to my cycle (the male hormone).
PCOS affects approximately 5-10% of the female population (and that is a lot). It causes irregular menstrual cycles and ovulation issues, obesity, unsightly hair growth, and can possibly lead to Type 2 Diabetes and some heart issues later on down the road. Infertility is the biggest scare factor in the diagnosis of the disease. However, since I am at a normal weight (hallelujah) the blood factors and other issues do not affect me as much at the moment. My doctor said that if I were to gain weight that the symptoms would most likely rear their ugly little heads again and it would be highly unlikely for me to be able to become pregnant.
She said that by putting me on birth control now we can eliminate a lot of the other issues that are associated with PCOS. It explains why while on birth control as a teen, I lost weight and felt healthier overall. If I ever want to be pregnant, it will have to be well planned and include hormone therapy and I must be at a healthy weight...
So I guess that means no more donettes.... (Man, I love those things!)
This news came out of the blue for me. I felt crushed because it seemed like it was no big deal to her to inform a 20 year old girl that she is going to have difficulty having babies. Having children is one of the most important things that I want to do in my life. All day yesterday I felt devastated, crushed, and defeated... but strangely, not mad at God. I thought I would be... but instead I just felt deeply saddened by this news.
I still believe I will have children. When - I don't know. Where- I don't know. How - I don't know. But I trust that this deep set desire will be fulfilled one day. Maybe I will have a child of my own or maybe I will adopt a child.( I have always wanted to adopt a child.)
I cried immensely over my loss yesterday. I cried because I never thought that I would be one who would struggle with infertility. I have read stories of women who struggle with it and felt sympathy for them never even considering that it could be me in their position. I cried and I prayed for peace to come, begged for relief, and wept because I feel that somehow my identity as a woman has been destroyed.
Today I have found a little relief and a little peace. I am not as concerned about the inability to have a child because the truth is that there is hope - I can have a child but it will just be more difficult for me to conceive. If God chooses to bless me and my future husband with children so we can glorify Him more, let it be. If my future husband and I are able to glorify God more without children, as hard as it would be, let it be. I do not think God plans on hurting us. I think that God has instilled a desire for medicine, ministry, and family in me because He plans on using me in really great ways with the things that he gives. I only hope that I can live up to the full potential that I have and be able to let go when I have to.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Submitting it to the Holy One
Elisabeth Elliot is a woman I greatly respect. She wrote "Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control" among many other books. She was married to Jim Elliot, her college sweetheart, who was taken from her just three years later in Ecuador.
Last year I picked up a copy of "Passion and Purity" under the advice of another lady I respect, Allison. She told me that it really aided in her pursuit of a pure relationship with her now-fiancee, Jake (and since they are now engaged, I have to believe that this is the truth). So I spent the sixteen dollars and tax on this book and subsequently spent the next few days hating Elisabeth Elliot.
She made too much sense.
She spoke into places of my heart that weren't prepared to be spoken to.
I got angry.
I threw the book against the wall.
I calmed down, kept reading, and now, a year later, have come to realize what a treasure this book really is.
The biggest thing that I have learned from "Passion and Purity" is that the gift of love that God graces us with is not for us. It is for God. If the relationships that I have are not God-honoring then who are they for? And furthermore, if I seek to have a God-honoring relationship I must realize that this may not be permanent. God gives and takes away, and God may just take away the people that I have in my life. And I have to be willing to submit that to Him too.
Falling in love with God has been the most exhilarating experience of my life. I have never been so challenged, so intruded upon, so questioned, and so deeply loved by anyone else. I'm finding peace in my life that I did not know that I needed. I want people to continue to ask me the hard questions and really challenge me to grow more. After all, when you love somebody you want to know everything about them, don't you?
God-centered, God-seeking, authentic relationships require a level of openness and submission that I am not always comfortable with. Allowing trusted Christians into my life to openly question and challenge me about the blackest parts of my life (that I really would not like to be known at times) is hard. Americans like their privacy. Heck, people like their privacy. But I know that in order to grow, I have to be able to submit EVERYTHING to God - and if I don't... well then where is there room for growth?
Patience springs from this submission. When I submit to God the things that I would truly like to have right away (i.e. a job, school, a super sweet man, a boat, blah blah blah) I come to realize that these desires I have will either be fulfilled or not - but rushing them isn't going to make it any better. In fact, rushing anything can ruin the pleasure in the time I have to enjoy the road on the way to these things. By always looking to the future, I potentially miss the incredible present. And the present- well it's a present! Savoring the moment I am in now, enjoying what gifts I have been blessed with today, helps me have patience in waiting for what might come - and prevents the David-Bathsheba problem: desiring what I don't have even though I am immensely blessed right now.
When I think of submitting things in my life to Christ I think about the way that a basket is weaved. Each strip of the basket alone is weak - it could not, by itself, hold anything. But when interlaced with other strips of the basket, the structure becomes stronger and eventually can hold a great deal of material. When I submit my everyday affairs to Christ, I am allowing Him to weave Himself into my being and becoming stronger. However... if I decide not to submit an area of my life to Christ I am leaving that part of the basket unwoven and it will be basically useless. Things would fall out of it and eventually the weight of the materials being held or carried would cause the basket's structure to begin to fray and break. Without full submission, there is never full use. I want to be used completely for Christ.
Last year I picked up a copy of "Passion and Purity" under the advice of another lady I respect, Allison. She told me that it really aided in her pursuit of a pure relationship with her now-fiancee, Jake (and since they are now engaged, I have to believe that this is the truth). So I spent the sixteen dollars and tax on this book and subsequently spent the next few days hating Elisabeth Elliot.
She made too much sense.
She spoke into places of my heart that weren't prepared to be spoken to.
I got angry.
I threw the book against the wall.
I calmed down, kept reading, and now, a year later, have come to realize what a treasure this book really is.
The biggest thing that I have learned from "Passion and Purity" is that the gift of love that God graces us with is not for us. It is for God. If the relationships that I have are not God-honoring then who are they for? And furthermore, if I seek to have a God-honoring relationship I must realize that this may not be permanent. God gives and takes away, and God may just take away the people that I have in my life. And I have to be willing to submit that to Him too.
Falling in love with God has been the most exhilarating experience of my life. I have never been so challenged, so intruded upon, so questioned, and so deeply loved by anyone else. I'm finding peace in my life that I did not know that I needed. I want people to continue to ask me the hard questions and really challenge me to grow more. After all, when you love somebody you want to know everything about them, don't you?
God-centered, God-seeking, authentic relationships require a level of openness and submission that I am not always comfortable with. Allowing trusted Christians into my life to openly question and challenge me about the blackest parts of my life (that I really would not like to be known at times) is hard. Americans like their privacy. Heck, people like their privacy. But I know that in order to grow, I have to be able to submit EVERYTHING to God - and if I don't... well then where is there room for growth?
Patience springs from this submission. When I submit to God the things that I would truly like to have right away (i.e. a job, school, a super sweet man, a boat, blah blah blah) I come to realize that these desires I have will either be fulfilled or not - but rushing them isn't going to make it any better. In fact, rushing anything can ruin the pleasure in the time I have to enjoy the road on the way to these things. By always looking to the future, I potentially miss the incredible present. And the present- well it's a present! Savoring the moment I am in now, enjoying what gifts I have been blessed with today, helps me have patience in waiting for what might come - and prevents the David-Bathsheba problem: desiring what I don't have even though I am immensely blessed right now.
When I think of submitting things in my life to Christ I think about the way that a basket is weaved. Each strip of the basket alone is weak - it could not, by itself, hold anything. But when interlaced with other strips of the basket, the structure becomes stronger and eventually can hold a great deal of material. When I submit my everyday affairs to Christ, I am allowing Him to weave Himself into my being and becoming stronger. However... if I decide not to submit an area of my life to Christ I am leaving that part of the basket unwoven and it will be basically useless. Things would fall out of it and eventually the weight of the materials being held or carried would cause the basket's structure to begin to fray and break. Without full submission, there is never full use. I want to be used completely for Christ.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Moses' Time
I was reading in Deuteronomy tonight and it dawned on me that people in Moses' time didn't have an entire Bible to reference for their lives with God. I'm certain most of them had to rely on word of mouth and trust that these decrees and laws set forth were from God and weren't just from some crazy man who claimed to be a leader and wanted power.
I feel fortunate that I live in a society where I have full access to God's word and can use it to strengthen me and revive me when I am weak. Why has this never occurred to me before tonight? I have this incredibly powerful story at my fingertips in all forms (there are at least six-ten Bibles in this apartment, four of which are mine) and on my new cell phone... there is no excuse for me to not be in the Word.
I remember in my first year of Christianity there was this woman, Nicole, who taped verses to her steering wheel to memorize during the week. She would have a new one each week. I want to do something like that... except I don't have a steering wheel to tape my verses. I have this paper from a Chi Alpha meeting awhile back that has all these references to places in the Bible to read when you are dealing with different issues (i.e. discouragement, sexual immorality, anger, etc). I hope to memorize one each week until I can recall them right away when I need to. I have never actually committed myself to memorizing scripture because I have never really found it useful. Lately, I have felt the deep desire to get into the word more often and seek to understand it better. I must say it interesting coincides with hanging out with some fantastic people who have been having a positive influence on me lately.
I think I am ready to start getting over myself and moving on towards the plan that God has for me. Honestly, I have no idea how it is going to happen because most of the time the things that God wants me to do seem incredibly impossible and difficult. Things I cannot do on my own.... I guess it is a good thing I have an all-powerful God on my side.
I feel fortunate that I live in a society where I have full access to God's word and can use it to strengthen me and revive me when I am weak. Why has this never occurred to me before tonight? I have this incredibly powerful story at my fingertips in all forms (there are at least six-ten Bibles in this apartment, four of which are mine) and on my new cell phone... there is no excuse for me to not be in the Word.
I remember in my first year of Christianity there was this woman, Nicole, who taped verses to her steering wheel to memorize during the week. She would have a new one each week. I want to do something like that... except I don't have a steering wheel to tape my verses. I have this paper from a Chi Alpha meeting awhile back that has all these references to places in the Bible to read when you are dealing with different issues (i.e. discouragement, sexual immorality, anger, etc). I hope to memorize one each week until I can recall them right away when I need to. I have never actually committed myself to memorizing scripture because I have never really found it useful. Lately, I have felt the deep desire to get into the word more often and seek to understand it better. I must say it interesting coincides with hanging out with some fantastic people who have been having a positive influence on me lately.
I think I am ready to start getting over myself and moving on towards the plan that God has for me. Honestly, I have no idea how it is going to happen because most of the time the things that God wants me to do seem incredibly impossible and difficult. Things I cannot do on my own.... I guess it is a good thing I have an all-powerful God on my side.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Droid!
First of all let me say that this is awesome. I can BLOGon my phone! Now I guess I dont have an excuse not to be updating anymore. My phone fell in the toilet at work ands was permanently damaged so I had to make a trip to idaho to get a new phone. I ended up with the Samsung Galaxy with Tmobile. The new one with all the ads about having Inception on the phone and swype to text. I have to admit that this feature is just another way to be lazy with technology... But I also love it.
I am sure in a month or so I will be used to my new toy and tired of all its
awesome features but for now I am loving every second I get to figure new things out on my android phone. And of course having the internet and all these neat applications at my fingertips (literally) is quite satisfying for my technology tooth. The image quality on the Galaxy is superb. I have a screen protector on it along with a case (plaid purple!) to make sure I do no damage unintentionally right away. Exbf was adament that I got protection for the phone and the cutest most durable case was on sale. The sales lady, Jaclyn, was kind enough to help me out by putting on the case and protector on for me. Thankfully we did do that because not ten munutes later, B's four-year-old sister hit the phone accidentally sending it careening across the floor. I would have been quite upset had it been damaged.
The few qualities I dont like about this phone includes its sideways touch screen space bar location. It I'd to the side and can be very awkward to adjust to for a person who is used to a center bar. I also think the auto correct for misspellings on the screem could be improved along with the ability to select location on the screen to select specific letters to delete. I would also make it possible to join facebook contacts with no numbers listed to people who you have their information instead of having two contacts for the same person.
Besides that I think this phone is incredible. I love my Samsung Galaxy 4g and highly recommend it for anyone who needs a new phone!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Running the Race
I am typing in my bathroom because there is nowhere else available in my apartment to do this. We are hosting a guest from Whatcom (a community college) who is sleeping in our living room and my shared room is currently housing my roommate who is deeply sleeping. So... I am sitting on the tile in my bathroom typing.
I have been working on a few of my goals simultaneously in the past week. I finally began working on my goal of starting a non-profit organization. I spoke to a few friends and am having lunch with S. tomorrow, who has a degree in business. She should be able to help me get a better idea of what I will need to be doing over the next year or so.
I also got word from the government that I will be receiving a Pell Grant next year to the tune of $5,550 towards Eastern. That means I will only need a couple grand more to cover the rest of tuition and books. I will rent most of my textbooks online (chegg.com is a GREAT resource) and pool the rest of my money from work. I am very very thrilled to go back to school. I still need to pay of the rest of St. Kate's and somehow pay of my mother (she gave 1/2 of what I owed to the school) but I will at least be able to finish my degree. This is AWESOME!
I also purchased new running shoes this past weekend when I was in Missoula, MT. They are supposed to help stop pronation during running (and I have a terrible pronation problem). I tested them out today on the treadmill and I was able to run farther than I ever have with absolutely zero foot pain. There is a win for Asics!
Bloomsday for the win!
I have been working on a few of my goals simultaneously in the past week. I finally began working on my goal of starting a non-profit organization. I spoke to a few friends and am having lunch with S. tomorrow, who has a degree in business. She should be able to help me get a better idea of what I will need to be doing over the next year or so.
I also got word from the government that I will be receiving a Pell Grant next year to the tune of $5,550 towards Eastern. That means I will only need a couple grand more to cover the rest of tuition and books. I will rent most of my textbooks online (chegg.com is a GREAT resource) and pool the rest of my money from work. I am very very thrilled to go back to school. I still need to pay of the rest of St. Kate's and somehow pay of my mother (she gave 1/2 of what I owed to the school) but I will at least be able to finish my degree. This is AWESOME!
I also purchased new running shoes this past weekend when I was in Missoula, MT. They are supposed to help stop pronation during running (and I have a terrible pronation problem). I tested them out today on the treadmill and I was able to run farther than I ever have with absolutely zero foot pain. There is a win for Asics!
Bloomsday for the win!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
High School Prom
... Ok I am little old to be attending a high school prom.
When I was a junior in high school my boyfriend at the time, Avery, invited me to his prom at Pope John Paul the II Senior High School. (Our relationship lasted a week. I was terrible. If you ever read this Avery, I am so so sorry...) There was this girl, Jennie, who was attending the prom with her boyfriend who I was hanging out with a lot shortly before they got back together. Drama drama drama. All I remember is my step-mom laughing because Jennie came down from college to attend the high school prom with her boyfriend. Poor girl, she just wanted to spend time with him. And her dress was smokin' hot. She made it herself!
None of this is the point. Getting ready for prom was a blast. The prom itself was alright. I don't remember much besides sitting at a table and giving Jennie compliments even though she hated me. I remember doing my hair and makeup and getting ready and putting this beautiful corsage on that Avery's mom had purchased for us. There are pictures online somewhere.
The same went for when I was a senior... except I was on my own to fund the prom. My parents didn't really have the money for me to go out and get my hair and my nails done like all the other girls, much less buy a really expensive dress and a limo and all that. My school had received donations from various local businesses that donated corsages/boutonnieres, nails, hair, etc. I got the gamut. I found TWO beautiful dresses for free from the donation piles, I got jewelery that was donated, my nails done (and I got out of school for that one), my hair done, and my college boyfriend came down to see me for it. My prom was perfect. After prom we went to the beach and hung out there. It was beautiful. It was an excellent ending to high school. My fairytale prom happened because some nice people donated their time and money to making the night memorable.
I got to thinking lately that this may not be true at every high school. What about my local high school, Cheney High? Do girls and guys get the same opportunities that I got in Venice, Florida? I called the other day to find out and they returned my call this morning. Tomorrow I will be contacting their senior adviser to see what they have in place and if I can help. I would love to volunteer my time (since I sell mark. makeup and can do the girls' makeup if they would like) or help procure donations from local businesses to make the night memorable. Heck, I'd even buy a couple pairs of tickets to the dance to donate to a couple who otherwise couldn't afford the prom.
I was also thinking about doing a demonstration about what a drunk driving car accident could look like if teens on their night out decided to drink and drive. (Or just drink period.) Fire departments sometimes will do demonstrations and I think it would be a fantastic idea to get them involved. Not only would they get practice but the kids would get a valuable life lesson. Bueno. I will be contacting them after I get the go-ahead from Mr. Adviser at CHS.
My heart is swelling just thinking about being pro-active in my community. So much for my heart break!
When I was a junior in high school my boyfriend at the time, Avery, invited me to his prom at Pope John Paul the II Senior High School. (Our relationship lasted a week. I was terrible. If you ever read this Avery, I am so so sorry...) There was this girl, Jennie, who was attending the prom with her boyfriend who I was hanging out with a lot shortly before they got back together. Drama drama drama. All I remember is my step-mom laughing because Jennie came down from college to attend the high school prom with her boyfriend. Poor girl, she just wanted to spend time with him. And her dress was smokin' hot. She made it herself!
None of this is the point. Getting ready for prom was a blast. The prom itself was alright. I don't remember much besides sitting at a table and giving Jennie compliments even though she hated me. I remember doing my hair and makeup and getting ready and putting this beautiful corsage on that Avery's mom had purchased for us. There are pictures online somewhere.
The same went for when I was a senior... except I was on my own to fund the prom. My parents didn't really have the money for me to go out and get my hair and my nails done like all the other girls, much less buy a really expensive dress and a limo and all that. My school had received donations from various local businesses that donated corsages/boutonnieres, nails, hair, etc. I got the gamut. I found TWO beautiful dresses for free from the donation piles, I got jewelery that was donated, my nails done (and I got out of school for that one), my hair done, and my college boyfriend came down to see me for it. My prom was perfect. After prom we went to the beach and hung out there. It was beautiful. It was an excellent ending to high school. My fairytale prom happened because some nice people donated their time and money to making the night memorable.
I got to thinking lately that this may not be true at every high school. What about my local high school, Cheney High? Do girls and guys get the same opportunities that I got in Venice, Florida? I called the other day to find out and they returned my call this morning. Tomorrow I will be contacting their senior adviser to see what they have in place and if I can help. I would love to volunteer my time (since I sell mark. makeup and can do the girls' makeup if they would like) or help procure donations from local businesses to make the night memorable. Heck, I'd even buy a couple pairs of tickets to the dance to donate to a couple who otherwise couldn't afford the prom.
I was also thinking about doing a demonstration about what a drunk driving car accident could look like if teens on their night out decided to drink and drive. (Or just drink period.) Fire departments sometimes will do demonstrations and I think it would be a fantastic idea to get them involved. Not only would they get practice but the kids would get a valuable life lesson. Bueno. I will be contacting them after I get the go-ahead from Mr. Adviser at CHS.
My heart is swelling just thinking about being pro-active in my community. So much for my heart break!
Falsely Enchanted
I'm sure by looking at previous posts any person with common sense could tell that my relationship with ex-B was not a fairytale. We have, erm, had a lot of problems between us that ranged from serious to well, relationship ending. Once again, I am sitting here at 2 a.m., heartbroken and hoping to be distracted by some t.v. show or song when I should be getting some sleep. Time and prayer are the only two drugs that can dull the pain that comes in waves.
This ending is different. I say that every time, however I am not told every time by ex-B that he is not interested in my life anymore. He told me that I deserve someone who is interested in my life and wants to be there... and basically I am not interesting enough to hold his attention.
My interpretation, as a woman, is that I am not good enough for him no matter what I do. I never have been and never will be. Upon further thinking I began to believe that perhaps I am too much for him and I shouldn't have divulged my true self to him because no man would ever be able to really handle me. After awhile of this (and it is still going on to an extent) I was knocked on the head with the reality that I am being viciously lied to by my worst enemy. If I succumb to this lie it will seep into all my relationships. I have worked extremely hard to escape the abandonment, neglect, and general parental issues that I was weighed down by with my childhood. How dare my worst enemy attempt this horrific act of violence against what tower of beauty and strength God and I have constructed inside of me over the past few years?
Guess it is a good thing that God and I have laid a foundation in case of an earthquake that would crack the tower's walls.
I know I am speaking in a ton of metaphor.
Point blank is that I cannot let this control me anymore. I have so much going for me and so much opportunity out there that God is presenting me with. I have to go through the grieving process because I have lost someone I really deeply love to stupidity and bad choices, but I cannot let my emotions become a roadblock to the beautiful, strong, intelligent, and warm woman that God created me to become.
I really am going to miss ex-B. He became a part of me over the last two years and the ways that are paths crossed was not a mistake. I have my new home here in Washington because I met that guy at a summer camp where I knew no one. I have wonderful friends that he introduced me to at a church group on campus. I grew in my relationship with Christ exponentially during that summer thanks to our conversations and his challenges for me. I miss the old ex-B a lot as well. I hope that he comes back one day.
I did get crabby with a roomie today though because I was sleeping on the couch and she came and woke me up at some godforesaken early hour in the morning and basically yelled at me to go to sleep in my room. Why is it such a big deal to sleep on the couch? I was upset and wanted to not be in my bedroom! That's not a big deal to me, but she thought it was weird. Newsflash: people are weird in general. Just because one person thinks something is strange doesn't mean it is causing harm to anyone else. I wasn't causing damage by sleeping on the couch so just leave me there and leave me alone please!
I really do need some fellowship soon. I am going to MT this weekend and Jarod's not a fellowship-y kind of guy so I am going to need a serious dose sometime soon, especially if I am going to get through this drawn out breakup intact. I am in a large amount of pain that hits me like a brick wall at times and I really need a reliable and comforting shoulder to lay on.
Oh and ex-B's mom texted me today and asked if I was ok. I thought it was strange because she hasn't spoken to me in a long time. I said I was physically because I don't know if she knows about the breakup or not. I am going to assume she does (and yes I know what that does) but she also asked me if I want to have coffee... I said yes because I do actually like the woman but I am really hoping I am not going to get lectured or something through this because I actually love ex-B and if I get flak for our relationship my coffee is probably going to end up in the trash and I will be out the door.
This ending is different. I say that every time, however I am not told every time by ex-B that he is not interested in my life anymore. He told me that I deserve someone who is interested in my life and wants to be there... and basically I am not interesting enough to hold his attention.
My interpretation, as a woman, is that I am not good enough for him no matter what I do. I never have been and never will be. Upon further thinking I began to believe that perhaps I am too much for him and I shouldn't have divulged my true self to him because no man would ever be able to really handle me. After awhile of this (and it is still going on to an extent) I was knocked on the head with the reality that I am being viciously lied to by my worst enemy. If I succumb to this lie it will seep into all my relationships. I have worked extremely hard to escape the abandonment, neglect, and general parental issues that I was weighed down by with my childhood. How dare my worst enemy attempt this horrific act of violence against what tower of beauty and strength God and I have constructed inside of me over the past few years?
Guess it is a good thing that God and I have laid a foundation in case of an earthquake that would crack the tower's walls.
I know I am speaking in a ton of metaphor.
Point blank is that I cannot let this control me anymore. I have so much going for me and so much opportunity out there that God is presenting me with. I have to go through the grieving process because I have lost someone I really deeply love to stupidity and bad choices, but I cannot let my emotions become a roadblock to the beautiful, strong, intelligent, and warm woman that God created me to become.
I really am going to miss ex-B. He became a part of me over the last two years and the ways that are paths crossed was not a mistake. I have my new home here in Washington because I met that guy at a summer camp where I knew no one. I have wonderful friends that he introduced me to at a church group on campus. I grew in my relationship with Christ exponentially during that summer thanks to our conversations and his challenges for me. I miss the old ex-B a lot as well. I hope that he comes back one day.
I did get crabby with a roomie today though because I was sleeping on the couch and she came and woke me up at some godforesaken early hour in the morning and basically yelled at me to go to sleep in my room. Why is it such a big deal to sleep on the couch? I was upset and wanted to not be in my bedroom! That's not a big deal to me, but she thought it was weird. Newsflash: people are weird in general. Just because one person thinks something is strange doesn't mean it is causing harm to anyone else. I wasn't causing damage by sleeping on the couch so just leave me there and leave me alone please!
I really do need some fellowship soon. I am going to MT this weekend and Jarod's not a fellowship-y kind of guy so I am going to need a serious dose sometime soon, especially if I am going to get through this drawn out breakup intact. I am in a large amount of pain that hits me like a brick wall at times and I really need a reliable and comforting shoulder to lay on.
Oh and ex-B's mom texted me today and asked if I was ok. I thought it was strange because she hasn't spoken to me in a long time. I said I was physically because I don't know if she knows about the breakup or not. I am going to assume she does (and yes I know what that does) but she also asked me if I want to have coffee... I said yes because I do actually like the woman but I am really hoping I am not going to get lectured or something through this because I actually love ex-B and if I get flak for our relationship my coffee is probably going to end up in the trash and I will be out the door.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Things I want to do
It's still 4 a.m. (Well 4:30 now.)
But I need to write this down:
1. I want to start a group or a community outreach program for high school girls. I want to teach the "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" and do programs that address things that plague a lot of teenagers today: i.e. eating disorders, relationships, family issues, drugs, etc. I also want to provide factual and positive information on health and beauty to these girls. It would also be fun to do things like makeovers for prom and other dances for these girls.
2. I want to obtain a nursing and psychology degree from EWU and eventually apply for medical school (I am not sure where). During my course of study at EWU I want to dabble in anthropology and investigate the health care system through a few criminal justice, economics, and other classes that will assist me in my eventual career as a doctor. I want to become an excellent writer so I can write proposals/grants, etc. During my time at Eastern I want to be involved with the school newspaper and literary magazine. I also do not want to take out any more student loans during my time at Eastern.
3. I want to take a few painting classes to balance out my academia and produce people-centered artwork.
4. I want to run Bloomsday.
5. I want to live in Italy for three months.
6. I want to work with Partners In Health in Haiti for an extended period of time (probably six months at first, then return for a year to two years) aiding in Women's Health.
7. I want to finish my book list. I have a new book list every year and I never finish it. This year, I want to finish it.
8. I want to begin to write regularly, hopefully one day finishing my memoir on the impact of exposure to sexuality at a young age.
That's all for now!
But I need to write this down:
1. I want to start a group or a community outreach program for high school girls. I want to teach the "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" and do programs that address things that plague a lot of teenagers today: i.e. eating disorders, relationships, family issues, drugs, etc. I also want to provide factual and positive information on health and beauty to these girls. It would also be fun to do things like makeovers for prom and other dances for these girls.
2. I want to obtain a nursing and psychology degree from EWU and eventually apply for medical school (I am not sure where). During my course of study at EWU I want to dabble in anthropology and investigate the health care system through a few criminal justice, economics, and other classes that will assist me in my eventual career as a doctor. I want to become an excellent writer so I can write proposals/grants, etc. During my time at Eastern I want to be involved with the school newspaper and literary magazine. I also do not want to take out any more student loans during my time at Eastern.
3. I want to take a few painting classes to balance out my academia and produce people-centered artwork.
4. I want to run Bloomsday.
5. I want to live in Italy for three months.
6. I want to work with Partners In Health in Haiti for an extended period of time (probably six months at first, then return for a year to two years) aiding in Women's Health.
7. I want to finish my book list. I have a new book list every year and I never finish it. This year, I want to finish it.
8. I want to begin to write regularly, hopefully one day finishing my memoir on the impact of exposure to sexuality at a young age.
That's all for now!
Who Am I Living For?
I was about to finally sleep (it is four a.m.) when I felt the urge to write. The very persistent 'you must get up and do this right now' urge. So here I am.
I bought an Ipod Nano last week (tiny, pink, and 8gb of song capacity) and downloaded Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" album. There are a lot of catchy and dance-able tunes on the album that have been helping me get through my grueling Bloomsday workouts and long work hours. There is also once specific song that has been haunting me for the last week.
The song is titled "Who Am I Living For?" and is reminiscent of her Katy Hudson days.
I really need to answer this question.
Who am I living for, really?
Boyfriend (ex) and I really quit talking this time, or so it seems. There has been so much involved in that relationship that I am not sure that it is ever fixable. I said some pretty hurtful things the other night out of frustration, desperation to save the remains of the relationship, and anger. I tried to apologize. but I am not sure if he could accept my apology. Only time will tell I suppose.
We were both really selfish in the relationship, with the outer appearance of not being selfish at all. Or so that is what I believe. A podcast I listened to about spiritual friendship sort of backs that belief as well. In this podcast the leader speaks about how if we really love one another, we will put another persons eternal life as the most important thing in the relationship, and not our own needs. Boyfriend (ex) and I really didn't do that. I was living for myself in this instance, even at some times living for him because I wanted to make him happy. Somewhere inside of me I knew all along it is impossible to make another person happy, that we, as humans, can only supplement that happiness... but I was blinded by myself. Tricked by my own self. I lied to myself.
(Sidenote: One thing that surprised me about that podcast was the leader saying that God is not all that we need... that we need each other as well. The example he used was Adam and God in the garden together, completely one on one, and the creation was not yet complete... so he created Eve because "it is not good for man to be alone")
I really do feel like I am living for myself a lot more than I am living for God. Poor Boyfriend (ex) has it worse than I do though. (Ok, sorry people, I miss him and actually do love this guy and it is going to be awhile before I can get off this man boat.) In the past I have been able to quickly acknowledge there is a turn around point and want to hop on board the God-train. Boyfriend(ex) seems to take the long route back. I am afraid this time it is going to take me longer too. (I really hope not. I am really hurt though, and heart-broken me is not an easy thing to just smile at and say "oh it's ok, you'll be alright")
This weekend I am going to EWU's Military Ball with a friend of mine from the Florida days. He is well aware of what is going on between Boyfriend (ex) and I and has sworn to prevent me from making dumb choices at the after party. Part of me wants to make dumb choices to get revenge and break his heart more than he broke mine (extremely petty, immature, emotion based, and highly illogical, I KNOW)... the larger, more logical and dominating part of me thinks that the other part of me should get a life and realize how stupid that is.
... Enter the line "I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames calling my name"
Katy, you got it right on.
I can completely see the life that God wants for me right now. I can see how I am being blessed abundantly financially and how this break-off with Boyfriend(ex) can be tremendously helpful for both of our lives and really give us an opportunity to actually (and maybe for the first time ever) demonstrate love in each others lives (by staying away at least until our strengths are renewed). I can see the desire to get involved in community outreach rising in me again. I can see the me God wants right in front of my face...
But the petty, woe is me, wallow in my emotions, stay up until extremely late doing things I can do tomorrow, "have a drink Katt", "make out with a random person to numb yourself Katt", "take this path Katt", "make these bad financial choices Katt", "listen to these lies Katt", "Do what feels good"...
All those things are SCREAMING at me... and I am afraid they have the potential to drown out the good.
I want the good. I want to fight for the good.
I can't ignore this war.
I bought an Ipod Nano last week (tiny, pink, and 8gb of song capacity) and downloaded Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" album. There are a lot of catchy and dance-able tunes on the album that have been helping me get through my grueling Bloomsday workouts and long work hours. There is also once specific song that has been haunting me for the last week.
The song is titled "Who Am I Living For?" and is reminiscent of her Katy Hudson days.
It's never easy to be chosen
It's never easy to be called
Standing on the front line
When the bombs start to fall
I can see the heavens
But I can still hear the flames calling my name
I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
It's never easy to be called
Standing on the front line
When the bombs start to fall
I can see the heavens
But I can still hear the flames calling my name
I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
I really need to answer this question.
Who am I living for, really?
Boyfriend (ex) and I really quit talking this time, or so it seems. There has been so much involved in that relationship that I am not sure that it is ever fixable. I said some pretty hurtful things the other night out of frustration, desperation to save the remains of the relationship, and anger. I tried to apologize. but I am not sure if he could accept my apology. Only time will tell I suppose.
We were both really selfish in the relationship, with the outer appearance of not being selfish at all. Or so that is what I believe. A podcast I listened to about spiritual friendship sort of backs that belief as well. In this podcast the leader speaks about how if we really love one another, we will put another persons eternal life as the most important thing in the relationship, and not our own needs. Boyfriend (ex) and I really didn't do that. I was living for myself in this instance, even at some times living for him because I wanted to make him happy. Somewhere inside of me I knew all along it is impossible to make another person happy, that we, as humans, can only supplement that happiness... but I was blinded by myself. Tricked by my own self. I lied to myself.
(Sidenote: One thing that surprised me about that podcast was the leader saying that God is not all that we need... that we need each other as well. The example he used was Adam and God in the garden together, completely one on one, and the creation was not yet complete... so he created Eve because "it is not good for man to be alone")
I really do feel like I am living for myself a lot more than I am living for God. Poor Boyfriend (ex) has it worse than I do though. (Ok, sorry people, I miss him and actually do love this guy and it is going to be awhile before I can get off this man boat.) In the past I have been able to quickly acknowledge there is a turn around point and want to hop on board the God-train. Boyfriend(ex) seems to take the long route back. I am afraid this time it is going to take me longer too. (I really hope not. I am really hurt though, and heart-broken me is not an easy thing to just smile at and say "oh it's ok, you'll be alright")
This weekend I am going to EWU's Military Ball with a friend of mine from the Florida days. He is well aware of what is going on between Boyfriend (ex) and I and has sworn to prevent me from making dumb choices at the after party. Part of me wants to make dumb choices to get revenge and break his heart more than he broke mine (extremely petty, immature, emotion based, and highly illogical, I KNOW)... the larger, more logical and dominating part of me thinks that the other part of me should get a life and realize how stupid that is.
... Enter the line "I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames calling my name"
Katy, you got it right on.
I can completely see the life that God wants for me right now. I can see how I am being blessed abundantly financially and how this break-off with Boyfriend(ex) can be tremendously helpful for both of our lives and really give us an opportunity to actually (and maybe for the first time ever) demonstrate love in each others lives (by staying away at least until our strengths are renewed). I can see the desire to get involved in community outreach rising in me again. I can see the me God wants right in front of my face...
But the petty, woe is me, wallow in my emotions, stay up until extremely late doing things I can do tomorrow, "have a drink Katt", "make out with a random person to numb yourself Katt", "take this path Katt", "make these bad financial choices Katt", "listen to these lies Katt", "Do what feels good"...
All those things are SCREAMING at me... and I am afraid they have the potential to drown out the good.
I want the good. I want to fight for the good.
I can't ignore this war.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
PASSION
Passion: (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)
a (1) : emotion (2) plural : the emotions as distinguished from reason
b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction
c :a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept
d :an object of desire or deep interest
Today I was discussing with my friend what we are passionate about. I said people, in the broad sense. He asked me what I meant when I said I was passionate about people. He believes that passion is an extremely strong word. He added that he has only met a few passionate people in his life and all were willing to go to great lengths for their passion. This was my reply:
"I mean that people, in their complexity and chemical make up, and their everyday lives have a lot to offer. And I want to help people. Sick people. Healthy people, etc. And I want to encourage others and go to places where others don't want to go to help them. I want to go to the slums and the violent broken places of the world to help them. I want to be the person who actually sees patients as people instead of just an illness or a pay check. I'm cleaning nasty toilets to be able to go to school to do just this. And I absolutely know it is 100% worth it."
So yes, I believe passion is the correct word for it. I am passionate about people. I am passionate about the life that people have and what they can potentially do with it if they are healthy.
As for the lengths I am willing to go, I am working as a custodian so I can return to school to become this woman who can help. I live across the country from my parents and have not seen either in almost two years. I listen to medical and educational and inspiring pod-casts during my work hours so that I can create a foundation to build upon for my future patients. I talk to people all around me, learning about who they are, what they want to be, how they came to be because I like people. I want to learn about people.
Passion. Yes, I have it. I want to share it.
(P.S. My friend believes me. He trusts my use of the word passion =))
a (1) : emotion
b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction
c :a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept
d :an object of desire or deep interest
Today I was discussing with my friend what we are passionate about. I said people, in the broad sense. He asked me what I meant when I said I was passionate about people. He believes that passion is an extremely strong word. He added that he has only met a few passionate people in his life and all were willing to go to great lengths for their passion. This was my reply:
"I mean that people, in their complexity and chemical make up, and their everyday lives have a lot to offer. And I want to help people. Sick people. Healthy people, etc. And I want to encourage others and go to places where others don't want to go to help them. I want to go to the slums and the violent broken places of the world to help them. I want to be the person who actually sees patients as people instead of just an illness or a pay check. I'm cleaning nasty toilets to be able to go to school to do just this. And I absolutely know it is 100% worth it."
So yes, I believe passion is the correct word for it. I am passionate about people. I am passionate about the life that people have and what they can potentially do with it if they are healthy.
As for the lengths I am willing to go, I am working as a custodian so I can return to school to become this woman who can help. I live across the country from my parents and have not seen either in almost two years. I listen to medical and educational and inspiring pod-casts during my work hours so that I can create a foundation to build upon for my future patients. I talk to people all around me, learning about who they are, what they want to be, how they came to be because I like people. I want to learn about people.
Passion. Yes, I have it. I want to share it.
(P.S. My friend believes me. He trusts my use of the word passion =))
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Let's talk about sex, baby.
All my Christian life (which has been about three years-ish) I have been under the impression that everyone thought that lust was a "man problem". Women should not struggle with things like lust, masturbation, pornography, etc. I have never felt like this subject has been adequately addressed in the relationships that I have with other women or even in any small groups I have attended or sex-related discussions I have had.
Then why do I (personally) feel such a struggle? I'm a girl, I think about sex. I have a large desire to have sex or be sexually satisfied. At times, many times, I have given into this lush desire and ended up feeling ashamed and regretting my decision. I have even considered that sexuality is an affliction and humanity would be better off without it.
Part of my distaste for sexuality may stem from the fact that I have struggled with sexual imagery, exposure, and indulgence since I was very young. I was exposed to the world of sexual exploitation at age 5 when I stumbled across a stash of pornography hidden in the garage. Later on, the neighbor boy allowed us to have our way in a game if he was allowed to touch us in ways that we knew our mothers would not approve of. Around the age of 8, an older boy (about 12) played 'house' with me where he would simulate sexual actions with me to procreate. Six years later, I would begin willingly participating in sexual activity at the age of 14, only to be forced into it at the age of 15. I became promiscuous and eager to please my partners until I attended my first year of college and finally met God.
Today, at 20, I have attended counseling sessions, read numerous books, and turned to God to forgive myself and the others involved in this tainting of what sex was intended to be for me, and for all of those involved. It is still a process. At times, it leads my life. My battle is not over yet. (Ex) Boyfriend and I have been in a sexual battle for over a year now. We attempt to win, and often lose. Both of us have a long history of sexual sins that have led our lives.
I want to come across an author who has addressed this issue to women in a manner that is scriptural and relational. Sexual impurity and lust is not just a man issue. I am currently reading "Sex is not the problem (lust is)" by Joshua Harris. I have to say that it is the closest I have come so far to an author who has hit the nail on the head.
There are certain repetitive ideas that come to light in all the reading that I have done over the years and all the sermons I have listened to on sex and lust.
They are:
1. Sex is NOT bad. Sex is good... BUT sex is designed by God to be within marriage not because he is squashing your fun, but because of the amount of physical, mental, and spiritual connection that occurs within sex.
(NOTE! There is actually a scientific connection to this as well. Oxytocin (a hormone) is released during sex and in breastfeeding to create bonding.
(See: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/200901/good-sex-is-good-relationships)
(There are other references, but Google is a good tool for all of you wanting more proof.)
2. Sexual desire is not something we can eradicate from our lives. It is like attempting to eradicate the need for oxygen in the body. However, there is healthy and unhealthy sexual desire, and we need to be able to recognize the difference.
3. Lust is what the issue is. Lust comes from dwelling on an idea or subject and eventually fantasizing upon it. I.e., seeing hot man (or woman) in supermarket and imagining your sex life.
4. We cannot control our lust and sexual desires without God. God created sexual desire to be good, but lust is what gets out of control.
Perhaps this book I am reading now will shed some new light on the subject, or maybe even lead to candid discussion with the women in my life. Sex is a tough topic. It is an embarrassing topic. I have learned that it is a topic that must be discussed, or it will consume you.
For a few books/audio about relationships/sex/etc. I suggest:
"Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot (I wanted to throw this book against the wall because it made me so mad that my relationship did reflect God the way hers did)
"Sex is not the problem (lust is)" by Joshua Harris (Ok, I'm not done with this one, but I can't not recommend the book I am currently reading)
www.boundless.org has an abundance of Christian based information and articles that will get you thinking. I suggest "Sex at the Edge of the Night" by J. Budziszewski.
Then why do I (personally) feel such a struggle? I'm a girl, I think about sex. I have a large desire to have sex or be sexually satisfied. At times, many times, I have given into this lush desire and ended up feeling ashamed and regretting my decision. I have even considered that sexuality is an affliction and humanity would be better off without it.
Part of my distaste for sexuality may stem from the fact that I have struggled with sexual imagery, exposure, and indulgence since I was very young. I was exposed to the world of sexual exploitation at age 5 when I stumbled across a stash of pornography hidden in the garage. Later on, the neighbor boy allowed us to have our way in a game if he was allowed to touch us in ways that we knew our mothers would not approve of. Around the age of 8, an older boy (about 12) played 'house' with me where he would simulate sexual actions with me to procreate. Six years later, I would begin willingly participating in sexual activity at the age of 14, only to be forced into it at the age of 15. I became promiscuous and eager to please my partners until I attended my first year of college and finally met God.
Today, at 20, I have attended counseling sessions, read numerous books, and turned to God to forgive myself and the others involved in this tainting of what sex was intended to be for me, and for all of those involved. It is still a process. At times, it leads my life. My battle is not over yet. (Ex) Boyfriend and I have been in a sexual battle for over a year now. We attempt to win, and often lose. Both of us have a long history of sexual sins that have led our lives.
I want to come across an author who has addressed this issue to women in a manner that is scriptural and relational. Sexual impurity and lust is not just a man issue. I am currently reading "Sex is not the problem (lust is)" by Joshua Harris. I have to say that it is the closest I have come so far to an author who has hit the nail on the head.
There are certain repetitive ideas that come to light in all the reading that I have done over the years and all the sermons I have listened to on sex and lust.
They are:
1. Sex is NOT bad. Sex is good... BUT sex is designed by God to be within marriage not because he is squashing your fun, but because of the amount of physical, mental, and spiritual connection that occurs within sex.
(NOTE! There is actually a scientific connection to this as well. Oxytocin (a hormone) is released during sex and in breastfeeding to create bonding.
(See: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/200901/good-sex-is-good-relationships)
(There are other references, but Google is a good tool for all of you wanting more proof.)
2. Sexual desire is not something we can eradicate from our lives. It is like attempting to eradicate the need for oxygen in the body. However, there is healthy and unhealthy sexual desire, and we need to be able to recognize the difference.
3. Lust is what the issue is. Lust comes from dwelling on an idea or subject and eventually fantasizing upon it. I.e., seeing hot man (or woman) in supermarket and imagining your sex life.
4. We cannot control our lust and sexual desires without God. God created sexual desire to be good, but lust is what gets out of control.
Perhaps this book I am reading now will shed some new light on the subject, or maybe even lead to candid discussion with the women in my life. Sex is a tough topic. It is an embarrassing topic. I have learned that it is a topic that must be discussed, or it will consume you.
For a few books/audio about relationships/sex/etc. I suggest:
"Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot (I wanted to throw this book against the wall because it made me so mad that my relationship did reflect God the way hers did)
"Sex is not the problem (lust is)" by Joshua Harris (Ok, I'm not done with this one, but I can't not recommend the book I am currently reading)
www.boundless.org has an abundance of Christian based information and articles that will get you thinking. I suggest "Sex at the Edge of the Night" by J. Budziszewski.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
L.O.V.E.
There are about a million or so songs in this world that attempt to define love. Since the dawn of time the world "love" seems to have haunted all of humanity. We revolve our lives around attaining love, keeping love, being betrayed by love, etc. Love is used to advertise, to win over people, and even to blackmail people. We see it in the media every day and love is loosely portrayed in our entertainment.
What is love after all?
If I were to look at a few songs from the past I would find some lines such as:
"L is for the way you look at me, O is for the only one I see, V is very very extraordinary, E is even more than anyone that you adore.." by Nat King Cole
Or perhaps a man with the LOVE in his name, Samuel Lover, has something to say:
"Come live in my heart, and pay no rent."
I believe that the best description of love comes not from something that has attempted to capture the essence of love in the past hundred years, but from a verse that was written in a letter to the church in Corinth over 2000 years ago.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
First Corinthians (A letter to the church in Corinth) in the New Testament
From this, I derive that love is an action, not a feeling. Nowhere in this statement does it say that love is a sexy night after some drinks or love is a marriage proposal.
This letter treats love as if it is an actual tangible thing that people can treat correctly or incorrectly. If there is love, then this is it. This does not imply that this is romantic love, but so many (including myself at times) interprets it solely as the definition for romantic love.
The truth is that romantic love fades. The gooey sappy lovey-dovey period ends and then life begins. Many relationships do not make it past this point because they are not committed to making it work. They do not take the matter of love seriously. But if they were to use this slight example of what love can look like and choose daily to make their love as it is depicted, they would be doing a better job loving their significant other than they were during the sappy period!
I believe that love is a choice. We wake up every morning and we can allow the things in life to affect our capability to love one another or we can wake up in the morning and choose to love the people around us regardless of what happens. It requires being selfless. Love is hard! Love is worth it.
The top love quotes on many sites are about selflessness. People understand this concept. People do not put this concept into action. (This includes myself!)
I am going to try to become a better lover-of-my-neighbors. I am going to try to truly live out this piece of scripture that has been with me since 12 years of age. In fact, my Valentine's day letter contained this piece of scripture and explained how I walked this out in my day to day life. It was very nice, but I believe I can be more, love more, do more.
What is love after all?
If I were to look at a few songs from the past I would find some lines such as:
"L is for the way you look at me, O is for the only one I see, V is very very extraordinary, E is even more than anyone that you adore.." by Nat King Cole
Or perhaps a man with the LOVE in his name, Samuel Lover, has something to say:
"Come live in my heart, and pay no rent."
I believe that the best description of love comes not from something that has attempted to capture the essence of love in the past hundred years, but from a verse that was written in a letter to the church in Corinth over 2000 years ago.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
First Corinthians (A letter to the church in Corinth) in the New Testament
From this, I derive that love is an action, not a feeling. Nowhere in this statement does it say that love is a sexy night after some drinks or love is a marriage proposal.
This letter treats love as if it is an actual tangible thing that people can treat correctly or incorrectly. If there is love, then this is it. This does not imply that this is romantic love, but so many (including myself at times) interprets it solely as the definition for romantic love.
The truth is that romantic love fades. The gooey sappy lovey-dovey period ends and then life begins. Many relationships do not make it past this point because they are not committed to making it work. They do not take the matter of love seriously. But if they were to use this slight example of what love can look like and choose daily to make their love as it is depicted, they would be doing a better job loving their significant other than they were during the sappy period!
I believe that love is a choice. We wake up every morning and we can allow the things in life to affect our capability to love one another or we can wake up in the morning and choose to love the people around us regardless of what happens. It requires being selfless. Love is hard! Love is worth it.
The top love quotes on many sites are about selflessness. People understand this concept. People do not put this concept into action. (This includes myself!)
I am going to try to become a better lover-of-my-neighbors. I am going to try to truly live out this piece of scripture that has been with me since 12 years of age. In fact, my Valentine's day letter contained this piece of scripture and explained how I walked this out in my day to day life. It was very nice, but I believe I can be more, love more, do more.
Dresses and the smell of spring!
Spring is just around the corner and I am SO ready to ditch my jeans and jackets for dresses and sandals.
I love spring. I love the smell of fresh rain, the beauty of tulips poking through the ground, the sunny and mild weather, and DRESSES.
As a child I detested the very thought of wearing a dress. I remember fighting with my mother over wearing dresses. I wanted to wear pants and a shirt and THAT WAS IT, MOM!
Today, I find something utterly alluring about the idea of a dress. I adore finding cute, everyday dresses that provide enough cover to be modest, yet are cute and with today's styles. I find that with my lighter skin tone, light colors seem to wear well on me. Take this dress for example:
I love the eyelet dresses! I used to have a white strapless one that I adored.
My job choice will not allow me to wear dresses all the time. Cleaning in a dress is not ideal. I feel bad for those 1950's housewives. The very thought of cleaning in a dress and heels makes my calves ache.
When I am not at work, the dirty jeans and old t-shirts will be a forgotten item until winter rolls around again. Dresses and skirts and a few pairs of capri pants will be my friend for the warm weather months!
I pulled all my "warm winter scents" from my closet two days ago and replaced them with my "fresh spring and summer scents". I just adore Bath & Body Work's new Carried Away scent. It smells like raspberries, which brings me back to childhood.
Perhaps some believe it is strange that I do this ritual-like change of scents and my wardrobe. I think that it is important to present yourself to the public in a fashionable and pleasant manner. Smelling good and looking good are important in society's eye. I do not believe fashion to be the epitome of all importance, but I certainly see the value in owning a few good items of clothing.
I know my roommates might have the impression that I am a little crazy when it comes to scents. But if they could smell the way I do, I think they would understand. If I come into a room and someone has eaten something that smells remotely strong (onions, garlic, some meats, etc.) I want to barf. It revolts me. I cannot explain why. I enjoy scents like apples, vanilla, raspberry, etc.. but meat, garlic, eggs, onions, grease... VOMIT CITY!
I love spring. I love the smell of fresh rain, the beauty of tulips poking through the ground, the sunny and mild weather, and DRESSES.
As a child I detested the very thought of wearing a dress. I remember fighting with my mother over wearing dresses. I wanted to wear pants and a shirt and THAT WAS IT, MOM!
Today, I find something utterly alluring about the idea of a dress. I adore finding cute, everyday dresses that provide enough cover to be modest, yet are cute and with today's styles. I find that with my lighter skin tone, light colors seem to wear well on me. Take this dress for example:
I love the eyelet dresses! I used to have a white strapless one that I adored.
My job choice will not allow me to wear dresses all the time. Cleaning in a dress is not ideal. I feel bad for those 1950's housewives. The very thought of cleaning in a dress and heels makes my calves ache.
When I am not at work, the dirty jeans and old t-shirts will be a forgotten item until winter rolls around again. Dresses and skirts and a few pairs of capri pants will be my friend for the warm weather months!
I pulled all my "warm winter scents" from my closet two days ago and replaced them with my "fresh spring and summer scents". I just adore Bath & Body Work's new Carried Away scent. It smells like raspberries, which brings me back to childhood.
Perhaps some believe it is strange that I do this ritual-like change of scents and my wardrobe. I think that it is important to present yourself to the public in a fashionable and pleasant manner. Smelling good and looking good are important in society's eye. I do not believe fashion to be the epitome of all importance, but I certainly see the value in owning a few good items of clothing.
I know my roommates might have the impression that I am a little crazy when it comes to scents. But if they could smell the way I do, I think they would understand. If I come into a room and someone has eaten something that smells remotely strong (onions, garlic, some meats, etc.) I want to barf. It revolts me. I cannot explain why. I enjoy scents like apples, vanilla, raspberry, etc.. but meat, garlic, eggs, onions, grease... VOMIT CITY!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Oh, Valentine!
I will be the first to admit that I am afflicted with serious cognitive dissonance when it comes to Valentine's Day.
Instead of two conflicting ideas, I possess THREE.
1. I really love Valentine's Day. It gives me an excuse to get flowers, eat delicious chocolate (although I must admit that I really do not like boxed chocolates, unless they are from Godiva... Yes, I am a chocolate snob) and be wooed by prospective or current lovers.
2. Valentine's Day has been over commercialized. Greeting card and chocolate companies make millions of dollars every year during the February rush. Women adore the delivery of flowers, candy and other goodies on the 14th. This makes me doubt the sincerity of Valentine's Day. There are also a crop of proposals that come just around the second week of February. To me, it almost seems cheesy now. Regardless of this view, a girl can't get enough of the love!
3. Why are we celebrating something in the way we do when the things it is associated with (St. Valentine's Day massacre, the various Valentine's, etc.) We behave as if this celebration has always been about Hallmark Cards, dinner, chocolate, and confessions of love but that is not true!
Read for yourself at: http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day
Regardless of these three conflicting views, I still appreciate the gifts I received tonight.
After my weekly dinner discussion of "Mere Christianity" and an episode of Dexter I walked across the parking lot to my apartment. When I walked inside, there was a vase of beautiful long stemmed roses, a heart-shaped box of chocolates, a box of ginger peach tea, and a thick envelope on top of it all. Initially I believed that this display must be for my roommate, Megan. Her boyfriend, Colin, is always lavishing her with roses and adoration. He really is wonderful to her. The curious this was the chocolates - Megan is a vegan! My next best guess was Kayla. She is engaged and has been longing for beautiful flowers for awhile now. But why would she have ignored the note?
I was curious, so I glanced at the name on the letter. "Katherine" was scrawled on the front of the envelope. In a rush, I grabbed the envelope and rushed into the back of my apartment where Kayla was working on her portfolio. "Did you see what is out there?!" I squealed. "Yes, and you're really loud." Kayla replied.
I opened the letter and read the four pages enclosed inside.
... And if I told you what was inside that wouldn't make it special anymore, now would it??
Instead of two conflicting ideas, I possess THREE.
1. I really love Valentine's Day. It gives me an excuse to get flowers, eat delicious chocolate (although I must admit that I really do not like boxed chocolates, unless they are from Godiva... Yes, I am a chocolate snob) and be wooed by prospective or current lovers.
2. Valentine's Day has been over commercialized. Greeting card and chocolate companies make millions of dollars every year during the February rush. Women adore the delivery of flowers, candy and other goodies on the 14th. This makes me doubt the sincerity of Valentine's Day. There are also a crop of proposals that come just around the second week of February. To me, it almost seems cheesy now. Regardless of this view, a girl can't get enough of the love!
3. Why are we celebrating something in the way we do when the things it is associated with (St. Valentine's Day massacre, the various Valentine's, etc.) We behave as if this celebration has always been about Hallmark Cards, dinner, chocolate, and confessions of love but that is not true!
Read for yourself at: http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day
Regardless of these three conflicting views, I still appreciate the gifts I received tonight.
After my weekly dinner discussion of "Mere Christianity" and an episode of Dexter I walked across the parking lot to my apartment. When I walked inside, there was a vase of beautiful long stemmed roses, a heart-shaped box of chocolates, a box of ginger peach tea, and a thick envelope on top of it all. Initially I believed that this display must be for my roommate, Megan. Her boyfriend, Colin, is always lavishing her with roses and adoration. He really is wonderful to her. The curious this was the chocolates - Megan is a vegan! My next best guess was Kayla. She is engaged and has been longing for beautiful flowers for awhile now. But why would she have ignored the note?
I was curious, so I glanced at the name on the letter. "Katherine" was scrawled on the front of the envelope. In a rush, I grabbed the envelope and rushed into the back of my apartment where Kayla was working on her portfolio. "Did you see what is out there?!" I squealed. "Yes, and you're really loud." Kayla replied.
I opened the letter and read the four pages enclosed inside.
... And if I told you what was inside that wouldn't make it special anymore, now would it??
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Fierce Love
Emotions are so powerful. We can feel captivated, crushed, enraptured, enamored, angry, compassionate, lonely, important, degraded... all in the matter of minutes. All of these emotions are real and we feel them very deeply in the untouchable parts of our being. Here's the kicker - they may not be true.
For example:
Boyfriend (ex) just called me about a half hour ago to tell me we can no longer see each other. Instant emotional tidal wave crushing the very being of my heart. We already broke up two or three weeks ago and I felt my world collapsing around me as I cried (bawled, sobbed, felt like my stomach was going to come out of me and my ribs were going to break to pieces as my now black and dead heart bounced on the floor).
Now comes the interesting part of this break up extraordinaire - we both know that it is for the right reasons. We aren't angry with one another. Actually, we both really care for one another.
Background story:
Our relationship was originally based on this guy that Boyfriend used to be. He was trying to be a godly man, one of excellent morals, one who was funny and smart and witty. He knew when to tease me and when to quit, we had deep conversations, and we talked every night for six months after I moved to Minnesota and away from him.
When I moved to Washington last year about this time, I was already deeply and madly and fiercly in love with him. That still has not changed. But our relationship ended up becoming a trap. We were getting in each others ways and most importantly, getting in the way of God.
When Boyfriend (ex) and I are apart, I quickly find my way back into God's arms. I look in the mirror. I am honest with myself. I am honest with God. I realized that it is going to be awhile before I am fully alright again and suddenly I find myself happier, more free, able to enjoy God's glory. I find myself picking up relationships I have abandoned because I have been trapped inside my emotional hurricane that I created myself. By escaping this emotional hurricane, I become a better and happier person. I am able to do more for God and for the people around me.
Boyfriend (ex) knows this. He sees it the next time we are together... and then envelops me back into his hurricane. (Not on purpose of course, but because I miss him and I love him, I want to be around him. I'm comfortable. See how this happens???)
Now this is just speculation, so I am not 100% sure if this is true:
Boyfriend (ex) seems to stay trapped in his emotional hurricane. He can't escape it because he hasn't faced the demon of a hurricane. He hasn't acknowledged the steps that he needs to take to be able to return to his original state.
Now back to the point:
So many times I 'feel' a certain way. Someone cuts me off on the freeway and I get angry. I am hurting becuase Boyfriend (ex) and I are apart.
What if I knew the intentions of the person that was cutting me off on the freeway? Perhaps they were in a hurry to get to work on time. Boyfriend (ex) actually DOES care for me and we are apart because he isn't the person that he can be when we are together.
Both situations are extremely difficult because we really do feel these emotions. When people are lonely or upset, it is hard to see past those emotions to get to the truth. More times than not there is an upside to the situation.
It can work in the opposite direction as well. People can be very much in love and be getting married but do not have their married life planned. They may not understand how they are going to work on finances together, or if they both want children, or if they are honestly marriable.
People can be happy when they are on drugs but the drugs can be destroying their bodies.
So the next time that you get caught up in your emotions (and if you are like me, this is on a daily basis) take a minute to really evaulate if your emotions are true to the situation.
For example:
Boyfriend (ex) just called me about a half hour ago to tell me we can no longer see each other. Instant emotional tidal wave crushing the very being of my heart. We already broke up two or three weeks ago and I felt my world collapsing around me as I cried (bawled, sobbed, felt like my stomach was going to come out of me and my ribs were going to break to pieces as my now black and dead heart bounced on the floor).
Now comes the interesting part of this break up extraordinaire - we both know that it is for the right reasons. We aren't angry with one another. Actually, we both really care for one another.
Background story:
Our relationship was originally based on this guy that Boyfriend used to be. He was trying to be a godly man, one of excellent morals, one who was funny and smart and witty. He knew when to tease me and when to quit, we had deep conversations, and we talked every night for six months after I moved to Minnesota and away from him.
When I moved to Washington last year about this time, I was already deeply and madly and fiercly in love with him. That still has not changed. But our relationship ended up becoming a trap. We were getting in each others ways and most importantly, getting in the way of God.
When Boyfriend (ex) and I are apart, I quickly find my way back into God's arms. I look in the mirror. I am honest with myself. I am honest with God. I realized that it is going to be awhile before I am fully alright again and suddenly I find myself happier, more free, able to enjoy God's glory. I find myself picking up relationships I have abandoned because I have been trapped inside my emotional hurricane that I created myself. By escaping this emotional hurricane, I become a better and happier person. I am able to do more for God and for the people around me.
Boyfriend (ex) knows this. He sees it the next time we are together... and then envelops me back into his hurricane. (Not on purpose of course, but because I miss him and I love him, I want to be around him. I'm comfortable. See how this happens???)
Now this is just speculation, so I am not 100% sure if this is true:
Boyfriend (ex) seems to stay trapped in his emotional hurricane. He can't escape it because he hasn't faced the demon of a hurricane. He hasn't acknowledged the steps that he needs to take to be able to return to his original state.
Now back to the point:
So many times I 'feel' a certain way. Someone cuts me off on the freeway and I get angry. I am hurting becuase Boyfriend (ex) and I are apart.
What if I knew the intentions of the person that was cutting me off on the freeway? Perhaps they were in a hurry to get to work on time. Boyfriend (ex) actually DOES care for me and we are apart because he isn't the person that he can be when we are together.
Both situations are extremely difficult because we really do feel these emotions. When people are lonely or upset, it is hard to see past those emotions to get to the truth. More times than not there is an upside to the situation.
It can work in the opposite direction as well. People can be very much in love and be getting married but do not have their married life planned. They may not understand how they are going to work on finances together, or if they both want children, or if they are honestly marriable.
People can be happy when they are on drugs but the drugs can be destroying their bodies.
So the next time that you get caught up in your emotions (and if you are like me, this is on a daily basis) take a minute to really evaulate if your emotions are true to the situation.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Johnny Mop
In one of the main buildings at Eastern Washington University there are about 18 bathrooms. Of those 18 bathrooms, I have cleaned each one at least once.
Cleaning a bathroom takes more than you would think. I used to be one of those people who would have to go to the bathroom and rush to the nearest one, expecting it to be open, only to find the "closed for cleaning" sign hanging on the door. My head would drop, my body would threaten to release its contents on the ground, and I would be off in search of the next closest restroom. I would be frustrated with the people who inconvenienced me. I had to use the bathroom!
Now, I understand. Cleaning a bathroom is dirty work, and instead of admonishing those poor souls, I should have been thankful for their work!
Have you ever stepped into a bathroom stall only to find the seat smeared with poo? Custodians clean that poo.
Have you ever dropped something dirty on the floor and left it there?
Custodians pick that dirty something up.
I'm squeamish just thinking about the state of the restrooms I have cleaned thus far (and it is only day four!).
It isn't that I mind cleaning up after people. Actually, the work is instantly satisfying and I really enjoy it. I am so thankful that I am getting the hours I am, paid the amount I am, and have a chance to get to know Eastern and the people who work here.
I am really hoping that I will be hired on full time. My lead manager seems to like me and I do try to do the best I can!
Cleaning a bathroom takes more than you would think. I used to be one of those people who would have to go to the bathroom and rush to the nearest one, expecting it to be open, only to find the "closed for cleaning" sign hanging on the door. My head would drop, my body would threaten to release its contents on the ground, and I would be off in search of the next closest restroom. I would be frustrated with the people who inconvenienced me. I had to use the bathroom!
Now, I understand. Cleaning a bathroom is dirty work, and instead of admonishing those poor souls, I should have been thankful for their work!
Have you ever stepped into a bathroom stall only to find the seat smeared with poo? Custodians clean that poo.
Have you ever dropped something dirty on the floor and left it there?
Custodians pick that dirty something up.
I'm squeamish just thinking about the state of the restrooms I have cleaned thus far (and it is only day four!).
It isn't that I mind cleaning up after people. Actually, the work is instantly satisfying and I really enjoy it. I am so thankful that I am getting the hours I am, paid the amount I am, and have a chance to get to know Eastern and the people who work here.
I am really hoping that I will be hired on full time. My lead manager seems to like me and I do try to do the best I can!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
New pathway, same destination
Today I am starting as temporary custodial staff. I am excited to be earning the amount I will, to have an eagle card that will make me feel like a part of the university, and to get a leg up in paying off my old school! I am so blessed right now.
Sure, custodial work isn't the greatest. It's going to be hard and I am going to come home sweaty, nasty, and more words that just mean gross. But I will have a great attitude because I am earning my way back into school. That is the most important thing right now.
I am with my roommate right now in the Ed Lab at EWU. She is going to bring me home where I am going to eat, celebrate, and nap before I go to work at 3:30. I plan on taking a lot of cold medicine before I go to work.
I will be working 5 days a week 4:30pm-12:30am. I will probably have to walk home and to work a few times (which will be a little cold, but hey, more exercise!) but overall this will be a great thing for me. The custodial manager seems nice, and apparently the woman I am training with is nice.
A lot of people think that custodial work is beneath them. Admittidly, I did not want to be doing something like this either. I think the lesson to be learned here is that a job is a job and honest work is honest work. I will be making the best out of this... and who knows, I could be back in school in a matter of months!
Sure, custodial work isn't the greatest. It's going to be hard and I am going to come home sweaty, nasty, and more words that just mean gross. But I will have a great attitude because I am earning my way back into school. That is the most important thing right now.
I am with my roommate right now in the Ed Lab at EWU. She is going to bring me home where I am going to eat, celebrate, and nap before I go to work at 3:30. I plan on taking a lot of cold medicine before I go to work.
I will be working 5 days a week 4:30pm-12:30am. I will probably have to walk home and to work a few times (which will be a little cold, but hey, more exercise!) but overall this will be a great thing for me. The custodial manager seems nice, and apparently the woman I am training with is nice.
A lot of people think that custodial work is beneath them. Admittidly, I did not want to be doing something like this either. I think the lesson to be learned here is that a job is a job and honest work is honest work. I will be making the best out of this... and who knows, I could be back in school in a matter of months!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Book chat.
Tomorrow night I am going to be having a delicious dinner and discussing Mere Christianity. I have attempted to read that particular book about six times, each time feeling like I am drowning in C.S. Lewis' logical explanation for human behavior. It makes too much sense and my brain just cannot handle it.
With the help of some friends I am finally mucking my way through the first section of the book. Tomorrow we will dine and wine (OK, maybe not wine, but it sounded nice together) and find some way to incorporate the book into our discussion. I hope that it goes well!
Saturday I am having three girls over (Olivia, Andrea, and Megan) to talk about Captivating. I am excited to be able to re-read this book and share it with these girls. :)
With the help of some friends I am finally mucking my way through the first section of the book. Tomorrow we will dine and wine (OK, maybe not wine, but it sounded nice together) and find some way to incorporate the book into our discussion. I hope that it goes well!
Saturday I am having three girls over (Olivia, Andrea, and Megan) to talk about Captivating. I am excited to be able to re-read this book and share it with these girls. :)
I like to believe...
Well, honestly, we ALL like to believe that we are good enough to be hired. I really think I am good enough to be hired, at least for the positions that I apply for.
It makes a person uncomfortable to think that they may not be good enough to meet the standard of what a business is looking for. Personally, I think that my customer service skills, my people passion, my quick learning ability and my computer skills make me an excellent candidate for any basic receptionist position at the least. But, SURPRISE, so does everyone else! So it comes down to a resume and a cover letter and a killer interview. Too bad I get really nervous at interviews.
My problem is although I tend to think I am good enough I also always think that there is someone better qualified for the position. That is typically what happens when I apply since I do not have a college degree. The Catch-22 is that I sort of need a job to be able to go to college to be able to obtain that college degree. So cut a girl some slack, corporations of the world! Give a girl a chance to succeed!
I sound like I am whining. I probably am.
It isn't that I am not confident. I know that given any position - whether it be in a medical office as a CNA, or a custodian at the PUB, or a teller at a bank, or a sales associate at a retail store that I would do an excellent job. My passion goes into whatever I am tasked with and I really do try to become very proficient at what I do. Most determined people are like that.
Since I am willing to do anything now (so long as it doesn't require me to compromise my morals/values/ethics etc.) I have been looking at all sorts of job opportunities. I am pleasantly surprised by what is available and horribly discouraged by the amount of places who will not even glance at what I have to offer because I am young and have not graduated from college yet. What they fail to see is someone who has a passion for success and that their business is going to benefit from that passion even if it requires a little training in the beginning. Does anyone else feel this?
*Disclaimer* My rant is only happening because I am in the midst of a job search. Sorry if you were expecting something grand and intellectual!
It makes a person uncomfortable to think that they may not be good enough to meet the standard of what a business is looking for. Personally, I think that my customer service skills, my people passion, my quick learning ability and my computer skills make me an excellent candidate for any basic receptionist position at the least. But, SURPRISE, so does everyone else! So it comes down to a resume and a cover letter and a killer interview. Too bad I get really nervous at interviews.
My problem is although I tend to think I am good enough I also always think that there is someone better qualified for the position. That is typically what happens when I apply since I do not have a college degree. The Catch-22 is that I sort of need a job to be able to go to college to be able to obtain that college degree. So cut a girl some slack, corporations of the world! Give a girl a chance to succeed!
I sound like I am whining. I probably am.
It isn't that I am not confident. I know that given any position - whether it be in a medical office as a CNA, or a custodian at the PUB, or a teller at a bank, or a sales associate at a retail store that I would do an excellent job. My passion goes into whatever I am tasked with and I really do try to become very proficient at what I do. Most determined people are like that.
Since I am willing to do anything now (so long as it doesn't require me to compromise my morals/values/ethics etc.) I have been looking at all sorts of job opportunities. I am pleasantly surprised by what is available and horribly discouraged by the amount of places who will not even glance at what I have to offer because I am young and have not graduated from college yet. What they fail to see is someone who has a passion for success and that their business is going to benefit from that passion even if it requires a little training in the beginning. Does anyone else feel this?
*Disclaimer* My rant is only happening because I am in the midst of a job search. Sorry if you were expecting something grand and intellectual!
"Come together" isn't just something from a Beatles song
I am learning that community is supremely important.
I live in an apartment with four other girls. Three of the girls have their own bedrooms (and in one case, her own bathroom as well) and two share a room and a bathroom. Most of the time, the girls keep to themselves. Separate sleeping arrangements, opposite schedules, different groups of friends and disagreements between us keep us quite distant from one another in the house. We rarely have to share the same space, much less speak to each other. We have completely different personalities and try to stay out of each others' way in a passive-aggressive attempt to keep the drama to the minimum and the peace semi-accessible.
For the most part, this arrangement works. Girls get up. Girls eat radically different meals. Girls do homework. (Except for me, I do job-searching work.) Girls go to sleep at different times of the day. You get the picture.
I cannot help but feel terribly saddened by this arrangement though. I can see how beautiful and compassionate and interesting these women that I live with are! I want to share meals with them, spend time getting to know them, invest deeply in relationships that will last a life time - or at least in relationships that will last until we move out!
I feel like others understand this desire. We live in a world massively comprised of technology that allows us to un-involve ourselves with the real world. Facebook makes it so I can have an overabundance of friends (I currently have 497 friends... that's after deleting many!), Twitter makes it so I can instantly post (mostly) meaningless things, E-mail removes the need to have face to face contact...
I don't HATE technology. If I did I wouldn't be using it. I simply desire deeper relationships than:
"Friend": Hey what's up?
KJ: Nothing much. Just hanging out. You?
"Friend": Same.
Deeper relationships require work and moving into some potentially frightening areas of life. Not every person is willing to let you know what makes them tick on day one. My roommate, Kayla, says that I am not one who is afraid of asking questions. If I am interested in knowing who you are I will ask everything from what your favorite type of pizza is to if you have a good relationship with your parents. For some people, that is frightening. I am working on it. For some people, they live to dive in the deep end head first. (That's mostly me, in case you were wondering.)
I honestly believe that most people are unsatisfied with their relationships in their lives. We were created to be in relationship and when this part is unsatisfied, it leaves us feeling lonely and searching for something to fill the void that has been created. Instead of filling this void with endless hours of Xbox, movies, etc. why don't we seek to learn more about the people around us?
It takes a long time to make a permanent change in our lives. I do not expect my efforts to be friendlier (and a better steward to the girls I live with) to instantly quench my desire to have deep meaningful relationships with the people around me. I just know that by doing this, I might be giving myself an opportunity to learn more about these people that I am spending my life with right now.
I hope that you find this encouraging in your day today. Invite someone over for coffee, or just sit and talk to the person that you are next to. Take some time to really get to know someone who is in your life, but you have no idea what their favorite pizza is or what their family is like. No one is too busy to spend some time fostering better relationships. Not even you.
I live in an apartment with four other girls. Three of the girls have their own bedrooms (and in one case, her own bathroom as well) and two share a room and a bathroom. Most of the time, the girls keep to themselves. Separate sleeping arrangements, opposite schedules, different groups of friends and disagreements between us keep us quite distant from one another in the house. We rarely have to share the same space, much less speak to each other. We have completely different personalities and try to stay out of each others' way in a passive-aggressive attempt to keep the drama to the minimum and the peace semi-accessible.
For the most part, this arrangement works. Girls get up. Girls eat radically different meals. Girls do homework. (Except for me, I do job-searching work.) Girls go to sleep at different times of the day. You get the picture.
I cannot help but feel terribly saddened by this arrangement though. I can see how beautiful and compassionate and interesting these women that I live with are! I want to share meals with them, spend time getting to know them, invest deeply in relationships that will last a life time - or at least in relationships that will last until we move out!
I feel like others understand this desire. We live in a world massively comprised of technology that allows us to un-involve ourselves with the real world. Facebook makes it so I can have an overabundance of friends (I currently have 497 friends... that's after deleting many!), Twitter makes it so I can instantly post (mostly) meaningless things, E-mail removes the need to have face to face contact...
I don't HATE technology. If I did I wouldn't be using it. I simply desire deeper relationships than:
"Friend": Hey what's up?
KJ: Nothing much. Just hanging out. You?
"Friend": Same.
Deeper relationships require work and moving into some potentially frightening areas of life. Not every person is willing to let you know what makes them tick on day one. My roommate, Kayla, says that I am not one who is afraid of asking questions. If I am interested in knowing who you are I will ask everything from what your favorite type of pizza is to if you have a good relationship with your parents. For some people, that is frightening. I am working on it. For some people, they live to dive in the deep end head first. (That's mostly me, in case you were wondering.)
I honestly believe that most people are unsatisfied with their relationships in their lives. We were created to be in relationship and when this part is unsatisfied, it leaves us feeling lonely and searching for something to fill the void that has been created. Instead of filling this void with endless hours of Xbox, movies, etc. why don't we seek to learn more about the people around us?
It takes a long time to make a permanent change in our lives. I do not expect my efforts to be friendlier (and a better steward to the girls I live with) to instantly quench my desire to have deep meaningful relationships with the people around me. I just know that by doing this, I might be giving myself an opportunity to learn more about these people that I am spending my life with right now.
I hope that you find this encouraging in your day today. Invite someone over for coffee, or just sit and talk to the person that you are next to. Take some time to really get to know someone who is in your life, but you have no idea what their favorite pizza is or what their family is like. No one is too busy to spend some time fostering better relationships. Not even you.
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