I could have loved you

This is a letter to the person I could have loved.

I could have loved you. Sometimes you come into my building and I hear you talking in the hall on the phone or in the little room in the corner. I see you pass by, or your name on someone's Facebook, or a photo and I freeze. Completely. I know I made a terrible mistake in the way that I treated you and the way things ended up. I owe you more than an "I'm sorry" and more than an explanation. I am guilt ridden and ashamed of my actions but I lay in the bed I made.

The truth is I was, and still am afraid. I am afraid that I can never be a person who is totally in love with God. I do not feel chosen, I do not feel pursued, I make mistakes that I believe are too big to just "make white as snow". Because of this, I felt like I do not deserve you. Perhaps one day I will be able to comprehend that God's grace is bigger than my life. It is one thing to know a concept, it is another to understand and accept that same concept.

I imagine that life could have been easier. You are stronger than me and would have tried to lead me in the right direction. You would have had patience. You, at the time, already encouraged me and listened. You were perfect, smart, funny, reliable, and did what you said you would when you said you would... and I felt like I could never have lived up to that. I'm erratic. I'm not punctual, I listen to all types of music, I get obsessed with learning something for awhile and then completely abandon the project, I lose touch with people, I can never find my keys or my cell phone, and I'm an emotional roller coaster mid-month, and I am almost never on track.

Oh, and one more thing. You were right. I have a really hard time letting go of things.

It was never a choice between you or him. You are the type of man that parents want their daughters to find and marry. And I am sure that will happen to you. He is the person that I fell in love with and even though the knowledge that giving him another chance could be a huge mistake and end just as tragically as the first time, I had to. I would have never been able to let myself love you when in the back of my mind I believe that he is the person that I wanted to be with, truly. It would have never been fair to you. I couldn't do that. I thought I was sure. I thought I could go through with moving on with my life because it was the right thing to do. But I was wrong. Boy was I ever wrong.

Balancing a life is not an easy thing to do. Lately I have learned so many things about myself that I have never known before because I have started to give myself space to make mistakes and learned to slow down. I have striven to be the perfect, faultless person that everyone seems to want me to be in this life but I have felt like a fraud while living up to those expectations. Unfortunately this extended into our friendship almost-relationship. I wanted to be someone that deserved you, and I wasn't.

The man I love now is someone that hasn't always treated me the best. I know this. I know that my life, at times, has been harder because of my relationship with him. I know that I may have made the wrong choice. But I made a choice.

When I think about this I shudder because I really did like you, and I know eventually, I would have fallen in love with you because that is what I do.

I am sorry that I hurt you and that we may never speak again. It hurts me too. I think that you were a little bit of a jerk towards me when you told me that girls like me turn guys like you into assholes though. I don't want you to be an asshole. Please, don't let me do that to you. Don't be cold.

I cannot ever actually give you this letter. I am too afraid. I think this letter is vulnerable and doesn't change anything. It is selfish that I believe that I am getting what I deserve as long as you believe that I am not a good person.

I'm not, by the way. I've tried, and tried, and tried, and failed.

The person I am with now is working on himself and with me to make our relationship better and work. He wants it to work. He is trying, actually trying, opening up to me, and not letting go. If this go awry this time, I know it is not because he doesn't love me, but because it isn't meant to be. We have our battles and little spats and even the big issues... but I am happy because we are working on them together.