Oh how I cried for your existance

I never knew how much I want to be a mother until the chance to be a mother was seemingly stripped from me yesterday.

My gynecologist informed me that my symptoms are classic symptoms of PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, one of the most common endocrine disorders in women that affects fertility. Basically my body doesn't produce the correct hormones and over produces androgen close to my cycle (the male hormone).

PCOS affects approximately 5-10% of the female population (and that is a lot). It causes irregular menstrual cycles and ovulation issues, obesity, unsightly hair growth, and can possibly lead to Type 2 Diabetes and some heart issues later on down the road. Infertility is the biggest scare factor in the diagnosis of the disease. However, since I am at a normal weight (hallelujah) the blood factors and other issues do not affect me as much at the moment. My doctor said that if I were to gain weight that the symptoms would most likely rear their ugly little heads again and it would be highly unlikely for me to be able to become pregnant.

She said that by putting me on birth control now we can eliminate a lot of the other issues that are associated with PCOS. It explains why while on birth control as a teen, I lost weight and felt healthier overall. If I ever want to be pregnant, it will have to be well planned and include hormone therapy and I must be at a healthy weight...

So I guess that means no more donettes.... (Man, I love those things!)

This news came out of the blue for me. I felt crushed because it seemed like it was no big deal to her to inform a 20 year old girl that she is going to have difficulty having babies. Having children is one of the most important things that I want to do in my life. All day yesterday I felt devastated, crushed, and defeated... but strangely, not mad at God. I thought I would be... but instead I just felt deeply saddened by this news.

I still believe I will have children. When - I don't know. Where- I don't know. How - I don't know. But I trust that this deep set desire will be fulfilled one day. Maybe I will have a child of my own or maybe I will adopt a child.( I have always wanted to adopt a child.)

I cried immensely over my loss yesterday. I cried because I never thought that I would be one who would struggle with infertility. I have read stories of women who struggle with it and felt sympathy for them never even considering that it could be me in their position. I cried and I prayed for peace to come, begged for relief, and wept because I feel that somehow my identity as a woman has been destroyed.

Today I have found a little relief and a little peace. I am not as concerned about the inability to have a child because the truth is that there is hope - I can have a child but it will just be more difficult for me to conceive. If God chooses to bless me and my future husband with children so we can glorify Him more, let it be. If my future husband and I are able to glorify God more without children, as hard as it would be, let it be. I do not think God plans on hurting us. I think that God has instilled a desire for medicine, ministry, and family in me because He plans on using me in really great ways with the things that he gives. I only hope that I can live up to the full potential that I have and be able to let go when I have to.