Who Am I Living For?

I was about to finally sleep (it is four a.m.) when I felt the urge to write. The very persistent 'you must get up and do this right now' urge. So here I am.

I bought an Ipod Nano last week (tiny, pink, and 8gb of song capacity) and downloaded Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" album. There are a lot of catchy and dance-able tunes on the album that have been helping me get through my grueling Bloomsday workouts and long work hours. There is also once specific song that has been haunting me for the last week.

The song is titled "Who Am I Living For?" and is reminiscent of her Katy Hudson days.

It's never easy to be chosen
It's never easy to be called
Standing on the front line
When the bombs start to fall
I can see the heavens
But I can still hear the flames calling my name

I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?

I really need to answer this question.

Who am I living for, really?

Boyfriend (ex) and I really quit talking this time, or so it seems. There has been so much involved in that relationship that I am not sure that it is ever fixable. I said some pretty hurtful things the other night out of frustration, desperation to save the remains of the relationship, and anger. I tried to apologize. but I am not sure if he could accept my apology. Only time will tell I suppose.
We were both really selfish in the relationship, with the outer appearance of not being selfish at all. Or so that is what I believe. A podcast I listened to about spiritual friendship sort of backs that belief as well. In this podcast the leader speaks about how if we really love one another, we will put another persons eternal life as the most important thing in the relationship, and not our own needs. Boyfriend (ex) and I really didn't do that. I was living for myself in this instance, even at some times living for him because I wanted to make him happy. Somewhere inside of me I knew all along it is impossible to make another person happy, that we, as humans, can only supplement that happiness... but I was blinded by myself. Tricked by my own self. I lied to myself.

(Sidenote: One thing that surprised me about that podcast was the leader saying that God is not all that we need... that we need each other as well. The example he used was Adam and God in the garden together, completely one on one, and the creation was not yet complete... so he created Eve because "it is not good for man to be alone")

I really do feel like I am living for myself a lot more than I am living for God. Poor Boyfriend (ex) has it worse than I do though. (Ok, sorry people, I miss him and actually do love this guy and it is going to be awhile before I can get off this man boat.) In the past I have been able to quickly acknowledge there is a turn around point and want to hop on board the God-train. Boyfriend(ex) seems to take the long route back. I am afraid this time it is going to take me longer too. (I really hope not. I am really hurt though, and heart-broken me is not an easy thing to just smile at and say "oh it's ok, you'll be alright")

This weekend I am going to EWU's Military Ball with a friend of mine from the Florida days. He is well aware of what is going on between Boyfriend (ex) and I and has sworn to prevent me from making dumb choices at the after party. Part of me wants to make dumb choices to get revenge and break his heart more than he broke mine (extremely petty, immature, emotion based, and highly illogical, I KNOW)... the larger, more logical and dominating part of me thinks that the other part of me should get a life and realize how stupid that is.

... Enter the line "I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames calling my name"
Katy, you got it right on.

I can completely see the life that God wants for me right now. I can see how I am being blessed abundantly financially and how this break-off with Boyfriend(ex) can be tremendously helpful for both of our lives and really give us an opportunity to actually (and maybe for the first time ever) demonstrate love in each others lives (by staying away at least until our strengths are renewed). I can see the desire to get involved in community outreach rising in me again. I can see the me God wants right in front of my face...

But the petty, woe is me, wallow in my emotions, stay up until extremely late doing things I can do tomorrow, "have a drink Katt", "make out with a random person to numb yourself Katt", "take this path Katt", "make these bad financial choices Katt", "listen to these lies Katt", "Do what feels good"...

All those things are SCREAMING at me... and I am afraid they have the potential to drown out the good.

I want the good. I want to fight for the good.

I can't ignore this war.