I'm sure by looking at previous posts any person with common sense could tell that my relationship with ex-B was not a fairytale. We have, erm, had a lot of problems between us that ranged from serious to well, relationship ending. Once again, I am sitting here at 2 a.m., heartbroken and hoping to be distracted by some t.v. show or song when I should be getting some sleep. Time and prayer are the only two drugs that can dull the pain that comes in waves.
This ending is different. I say that every time, however I am not told every time by ex-B that he is not interested in my life anymore. He told me that I deserve someone who is interested in my life and wants to be there... and basically I am not interesting enough to hold his attention.
My interpretation, as a woman, is that I am not good enough for him no matter what I do. I never have been and never will be. Upon further thinking I began to believe that perhaps I am too much for him and I shouldn't have divulged my true self to him because no man would ever be able to really handle me. After awhile of this (and it is still going on to an extent) I was knocked on the head with the reality that I am being viciously lied to by my worst enemy. If I succumb to this lie it will seep into all my relationships. I have worked extremely hard to escape the abandonment, neglect, and general parental issues that I was weighed down by with my childhood. How dare my worst enemy attempt this horrific act of violence against what tower of beauty and strength God and I have constructed inside of me over the past few years?
Guess it is a good thing that God and I have laid a foundation in case of an earthquake that would crack the tower's walls.
I know I am speaking in a ton of metaphor.
Point blank is that I cannot let this control me anymore. I have so much going for me and so much opportunity out there that God is presenting me with. I have to go through the grieving process because I have lost someone I really deeply love to stupidity and bad choices, but I cannot let my emotions become a roadblock to the beautiful, strong, intelligent, and warm woman that God created me to become.
I really am going to miss ex-B. He became a part of me over the last two years and the ways that are paths crossed was not a mistake. I have my new home here in Washington because I met that guy at a summer camp where I knew no one. I have wonderful friends that he introduced me to at a church group on campus. I grew in my relationship with Christ exponentially during that summer thanks to our conversations and his challenges for me. I miss the old ex-B a lot as well. I hope that he comes back one day.
I did get crabby with a roomie today though because I was sleeping on the couch and she came and woke me up at some godforesaken early hour in the morning and basically yelled at me to go to sleep in my room. Why is it such a big deal to sleep on the couch? I was upset and wanted to not be in my bedroom! That's not a big deal to me, but she thought it was weird. Newsflash: people are weird in general. Just because one person thinks something is strange doesn't mean it is causing harm to anyone else. I wasn't causing damage by sleeping on the couch so just leave me there and leave me alone please!
I really do need some fellowship soon. I am going to MT this weekend and Jarod's not a fellowship-y kind of guy so I am going to need a serious dose sometime soon, especially if I am going to get through this drawn out breakup intact. I am in a large amount of pain that hits me like a brick wall at times and I really need a reliable and comforting shoulder to lay on.
Oh and ex-B's mom texted me today and asked if I was ok. I thought it was strange because she hasn't spoken to me in a long time. I said I was physically because I don't know if she knows about the breakup or not. I am going to assume she does (and yes I know what that does) but she also asked me if I want to have coffee... I said yes because I do actually like the woman but I am really hoping I am not going to get lectured or something through this because I actually love ex-B and if I get flak for our relationship my coffee is probably going to end up in the trash and I will be out the door.
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