Young adults are always told that we should not rush into anything because we have not "found ourselves" yet. I have come to realize that many of my impetuous decisions stem from actually not knowing what I want out of this life, and in turn, finding new things that I like or hate depending on what new trend I decide to be obsessed with for awhile. All my friends are getting married and having kids, getting their college degrees, following God (and making it seem easy), and just going about their lives. There are times when I want to do just what they are, but most of the time I find that all I really want to do is travel around the country and read books and meet new people. Sure, my dream to be a medical professional is very important to me, but it isn't everything. Life is a lot more than a career and kids. I do not want to be stuck here forever. (here being washington.) Some days I just want to sell all my stuff, buy a car, and gtfo of this state. Me and music and the free road, meeting and getting to know new people... And writing again. My writing has become base and uninteresting. My style has faded into simple sentences and has no voice or flair. I read old papers and journal entries and am sad because I had talent, and then I just quit. I quit and became a text-facebook junkie. My vocabularly dropped to an all time low and since I do not have a computer and my hand cramps writing long hand, I just quit. Maybe it is time to move on after all.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
And there I go, all crazy again
"Hey, get some more sleep."
"Woman, go to bed earlier."
"Drink more water!"
"This again!?!? I wanted some fruits and veggies, not fried foods!"
My body has been chastising me for not taking care of it again.
With these wacky hours I work, getting enough sleep (or too much!) can be a challenge at times. My windows aren't blacked out and I don't have my own bedroom so interruptions are common throughout the mornings when I am trying to sleep.
Getting up to work out is another total challenge... and boy do I feel the consequences of that! My muscles are extremely tight and could use a good long stretch and run. I tried that yesterday though, only to end up even more sore!
On top of all this: my budget just got extra strapped. My roommates and I got a new place but we have to pay two rents this summer each... and two can't pay so my roommate and I are footing the bill for now until they are able to pay us back. Bye bye fruits and vegetables!
So how to remedy this new shift challenge? I think I have a few ideas:
1. I just need to buy more yogurt so I can make my smoothies again.
2. Come up with a set sleep schedule - and stick to it. Since I cannot go to bed until 4 a.m. without struggling, I will make 4 a.m. my bedtime... and get 7-8 hours of rest before I get up again to exercise.
3. I need to make ME time. I keep talking about it but it never happens.
"Woman, go to bed earlier."
"Drink more water!"
"This again!?!? I wanted some fruits and veggies, not fried foods!"
My body has been chastising me for not taking care of it again.
With these wacky hours I work, getting enough sleep (or too much!) can be a challenge at times. My windows aren't blacked out and I don't have my own bedroom so interruptions are common throughout the mornings when I am trying to sleep.
Getting up to work out is another total challenge... and boy do I feel the consequences of that! My muscles are extremely tight and could use a good long stretch and run. I tried that yesterday though, only to end up even more sore!
On top of all this: my budget just got extra strapped. My roommates and I got a new place but we have to pay two rents this summer each... and two can't pay so my roommate and I are footing the bill for now until they are able to pay us back. Bye bye fruits and vegetables!
So how to remedy this new shift challenge? I think I have a few ideas:
1. I just need to buy more yogurt so I can make my smoothies again.
2. Come up with a set sleep schedule - and stick to it. Since I cannot go to bed until 4 a.m. without struggling, I will make 4 a.m. my bedtime... and get 7-8 hours of rest before I get up again to exercise.
3. I need to make ME time. I keep talking about it but it never happens.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Sunshine!
The sun decided it wanted our relationship back. No more hiding behind the snow clouds, it promised. It even kissed me a little, leaving a bit of a mark after our afternoon together.
Sun, I wanted you back too. This wasn't one sided.
I ran outside today like a little kid runs into Toys 'R Us. I grabbed my towel, my bible, my bottle of water, and soaked up that sun like it was oxygen. I could absorb so much calcium right now! My bones are going to be in shock thanks to all that Vitamin D.
Basking in the glory of the sun gives me a TON of time to think about a lot of weird things:
1. Since I was reading/listening to Leviticus again (I sort of skimmed it and didn't really pay attention since that book has nothing in it but rules) the topic of the day seemed to be food... don't eat the fat, the kidneys, the long lobe of the liver, etc... that part is for God... but the meat is for the preists ya'll, and they are having USDA Choice Steaks tonight! The bread might be dry and chewy, but ooooh man those steaks!
2. Has anyone ever noticed that things that buzz are typically dangerous? A bee and horsefly buzzed by on several occasions... but that isn't the end of the list... Add in powerlines and chainsaws and I think I am on to something!
3. Sunshine either puts me to sleep quickly or wakes me up. Go from my dark bedroom cave into the blinding light of the day and I will be instantly awake... however I can be perfectly awake and go to the beach and I will be sleepy in a matter of minutes of tanning.
4. I'll admit, I can see why people thought there was a Sun God. Heck, if I was in some ancient society that was not aware of God... I would probably have made up a Sun God too. It just makes sense. I don't blame them. The sun is pretty awesome... but hey... that just means God is even MORE awesome.
Sun, I wanted you back too. This wasn't one sided.
I ran outside today like a little kid runs into Toys 'R Us. I grabbed my towel, my bible, my bottle of water, and soaked up that sun like it was oxygen. I could absorb so much calcium right now! My bones are going to be in shock thanks to all that Vitamin D.
Basking in the glory of the sun gives me a TON of time to think about a lot of weird things:
1. Since I was reading/listening to Leviticus again (I sort of skimmed it and didn't really pay attention since that book has nothing in it but rules) the topic of the day seemed to be food... don't eat the fat, the kidneys, the long lobe of the liver, etc... that part is for God... but the meat is for the preists ya'll, and they are having USDA Choice Steaks tonight! The bread might be dry and chewy, but ooooh man those steaks!
2. Has anyone ever noticed that things that buzz are typically dangerous? A bee and horsefly buzzed by on several occasions... but that isn't the end of the list... Add in powerlines and chainsaws and I think I am on to something!
3. Sunshine either puts me to sleep quickly or wakes me up. Go from my dark bedroom cave into the blinding light of the day and I will be instantly awake... however I can be perfectly awake and go to the beach and I will be sleepy in a matter of minutes of tanning.
4. I'll admit, I can see why people thought there was a Sun God. Heck, if I was in some ancient society that was not aware of God... I would probably have made up a Sun God too. It just makes sense. I don't blame them. The sun is pretty awesome... but hey... that just means God is even MORE awesome.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sucker Punch'd
"You have all the weapons you need. Fight."
What?!?!?
I went to see Sucker Punch tonight with Donny. If the film-makers intended on making me feel terrible, they succeeded.
If you add up all the terrible things that can be done to women, starting with not listening to them, throwing in rape, murder, prostitution, and just generally being pushed around, you have the recipe for Sucker Punch. I have to admit the movie was aptly named... since it certainly left me feeling like I just was emotionally sucker-punched.
If there were teenage boys in the audience I think they would be squirming in their seats with infatuation over the scantily clad girls yielding weapons in video-game-esque fantasy girl scenes. My friend disagrees with me and believes that teenage girls who are video-game obsessed would enjoy the film more.
I think you get the picture though - with names like SweetPea and BabyDoll and Blondie... this movie was NOT about strong female heroines. It objectified the girls in the movie and honestly, made me feel horrible. I felt bad for the characters, mad because of the injustice, and even when the happy ending came, I still was left with that horrible vomit taste in my mouth that no amount of fluids can wash away.
ugh. Maybe I should check the movies I watch out more before I actually spend money to see them. Thankfully it was only 3.50.
What?!?!?
I went to see Sucker Punch tonight with Donny. If the film-makers intended on making me feel terrible, they succeeded.
If you add up all the terrible things that can be done to women, starting with not listening to them, throwing in rape, murder, prostitution, and just generally being pushed around, you have the recipe for Sucker Punch. I have to admit the movie was aptly named... since it certainly left me feeling like I just was emotionally sucker-punched.
If there were teenage boys in the audience I think they would be squirming in their seats with infatuation over the scantily clad girls yielding weapons in video-game-esque fantasy girl scenes. My friend disagrees with me and believes that teenage girls who are video-game obsessed would enjoy the film more.
I think you get the picture though - with names like SweetPea and BabyDoll and Blondie... this movie was NOT about strong female heroines. It objectified the girls in the movie and honestly, made me feel horrible. I felt bad for the characters, mad because of the injustice, and even when the happy ending came, I still was left with that horrible vomit taste in my mouth that no amount of fluids can wash away.
ugh. Maybe I should check the movies I watch out more before I actually spend money to see them. Thankfully it was only 3.50.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Oh how I cried for your existance
I never knew how much I want to be a mother until the chance to be a mother was seemingly stripped from me yesterday.
My gynecologist informed me that my symptoms are classic symptoms of PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, one of the most common endocrine disorders in women that affects fertility. Basically my body doesn't produce the correct hormones and over produces androgen close to my cycle (the male hormone).
PCOS affects approximately 5-10% of the female population (and that is a lot). It causes irregular menstrual cycles and ovulation issues, obesity, unsightly hair growth, and can possibly lead to Type 2 Diabetes and some heart issues later on down the road. Infertility is the biggest scare factor in the diagnosis of the disease. However, since I am at a normal weight (hallelujah) the blood factors and other issues do not affect me as much at the moment. My doctor said that if I were to gain weight that the symptoms would most likely rear their ugly little heads again and it would be highly unlikely for me to be able to become pregnant.
She said that by putting me on birth control now we can eliminate a lot of the other issues that are associated with PCOS. It explains why while on birth control as a teen, I lost weight and felt healthier overall. If I ever want to be pregnant, it will have to be well planned and include hormone therapy and I must be at a healthy weight...
So I guess that means no more donettes.... (Man, I love those things!)
This news came out of the blue for me. I felt crushed because it seemed like it was no big deal to her to inform a 20 year old girl that she is going to have difficulty having babies. Having children is one of the most important things that I want to do in my life. All day yesterday I felt devastated, crushed, and defeated... but strangely, not mad at God. I thought I would be... but instead I just felt deeply saddened by this news.
I still believe I will have children. When - I don't know. Where- I don't know. How - I don't know. But I trust that this deep set desire will be fulfilled one day. Maybe I will have a child of my own or maybe I will adopt a child.( I have always wanted to adopt a child.)
I cried immensely over my loss yesterday. I cried because I never thought that I would be one who would struggle with infertility. I have read stories of women who struggle with it and felt sympathy for them never even considering that it could be me in their position. I cried and I prayed for peace to come, begged for relief, and wept because I feel that somehow my identity as a woman has been destroyed.
Today I have found a little relief and a little peace. I am not as concerned about the inability to have a child because the truth is that there is hope - I can have a child but it will just be more difficult for me to conceive. If God chooses to bless me and my future husband with children so we can glorify Him more, let it be. If my future husband and I are able to glorify God more without children, as hard as it would be, let it be. I do not think God plans on hurting us. I think that God has instilled a desire for medicine, ministry, and family in me because He plans on using me in really great ways with the things that he gives. I only hope that I can live up to the full potential that I have and be able to let go when I have to.
My gynecologist informed me that my symptoms are classic symptoms of PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, one of the most common endocrine disorders in women that affects fertility. Basically my body doesn't produce the correct hormones and over produces androgen close to my cycle (the male hormone).
PCOS affects approximately 5-10% of the female population (and that is a lot). It causes irregular menstrual cycles and ovulation issues, obesity, unsightly hair growth, and can possibly lead to Type 2 Diabetes and some heart issues later on down the road. Infertility is the biggest scare factor in the diagnosis of the disease. However, since I am at a normal weight (hallelujah) the blood factors and other issues do not affect me as much at the moment. My doctor said that if I were to gain weight that the symptoms would most likely rear their ugly little heads again and it would be highly unlikely for me to be able to become pregnant.
She said that by putting me on birth control now we can eliminate a lot of the other issues that are associated with PCOS. It explains why while on birth control as a teen, I lost weight and felt healthier overall. If I ever want to be pregnant, it will have to be well planned and include hormone therapy and I must be at a healthy weight...
So I guess that means no more donettes.... (Man, I love those things!)
This news came out of the blue for me. I felt crushed because it seemed like it was no big deal to her to inform a 20 year old girl that she is going to have difficulty having babies. Having children is one of the most important things that I want to do in my life. All day yesterday I felt devastated, crushed, and defeated... but strangely, not mad at God. I thought I would be... but instead I just felt deeply saddened by this news.
I still believe I will have children. When - I don't know. Where- I don't know. How - I don't know. But I trust that this deep set desire will be fulfilled one day. Maybe I will have a child of my own or maybe I will adopt a child.( I have always wanted to adopt a child.)
I cried immensely over my loss yesterday. I cried because I never thought that I would be one who would struggle with infertility. I have read stories of women who struggle with it and felt sympathy for them never even considering that it could be me in their position. I cried and I prayed for peace to come, begged for relief, and wept because I feel that somehow my identity as a woman has been destroyed.
Today I have found a little relief and a little peace. I am not as concerned about the inability to have a child because the truth is that there is hope - I can have a child but it will just be more difficult for me to conceive. If God chooses to bless me and my future husband with children so we can glorify Him more, let it be. If my future husband and I are able to glorify God more without children, as hard as it would be, let it be. I do not think God plans on hurting us. I think that God has instilled a desire for medicine, ministry, and family in me because He plans on using me in really great ways with the things that he gives. I only hope that I can live up to the full potential that I have and be able to let go when I have to.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Submitting it to the Holy One
Elisabeth Elliot is a woman I greatly respect. She wrote "Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control" among many other books. She was married to Jim Elliot, her college sweetheart, who was taken from her just three years later in Ecuador.
Last year I picked up a copy of "Passion and Purity" under the advice of another lady I respect, Allison. She told me that it really aided in her pursuit of a pure relationship with her now-fiancee, Jake (and since they are now engaged, I have to believe that this is the truth). So I spent the sixteen dollars and tax on this book and subsequently spent the next few days hating Elisabeth Elliot.
She made too much sense.
She spoke into places of my heart that weren't prepared to be spoken to.
I got angry.
I threw the book against the wall.
I calmed down, kept reading, and now, a year later, have come to realize what a treasure this book really is.
The biggest thing that I have learned from "Passion and Purity" is that the gift of love that God graces us with is not for us. It is for God. If the relationships that I have are not God-honoring then who are they for? And furthermore, if I seek to have a God-honoring relationship I must realize that this may not be permanent. God gives and takes away, and God may just take away the people that I have in my life. And I have to be willing to submit that to Him too.
Falling in love with God has been the most exhilarating experience of my life. I have never been so challenged, so intruded upon, so questioned, and so deeply loved by anyone else. I'm finding peace in my life that I did not know that I needed. I want people to continue to ask me the hard questions and really challenge me to grow more. After all, when you love somebody you want to know everything about them, don't you?
God-centered, God-seeking, authentic relationships require a level of openness and submission that I am not always comfortable with. Allowing trusted Christians into my life to openly question and challenge me about the blackest parts of my life (that I really would not like to be known at times) is hard. Americans like their privacy. Heck, people like their privacy. But I know that in order to grow, I have to be able to submit EVERYTHING to God - and if I don't... well then where is there room for growth?
Patience springs from this submission. When I submit to God the things that I would truly like to have right away (i.e. a job, school, a super sweet man, a boat, blah blah blah) I come to realize that these desires I have will either be fulfilled or not - but rushing them isn't going to make it any better. In fact, rushing anything can ruin the pleasure in the time I have to enjoy the road on the way to these things. By always looking to the future, I potentially miss the incredible present. And the present- well it's a present! Savoring the moment I am in now, enjoying what gifts I have been blessed with today, helps me have patience in waiting for what might come - and prevents the David-Bathsheba problem: desiring what I don't have even though I am immensely blessed right now.
When I think of submitting things in my life to Christ I think about the way that a basket is weaved. Each strip of the basket alone is weak - it could not, by itself, hold anything. But when interlaced with other strips of the basket, the structure becomes stronger and eventually can hold a great deal of material. When I submit my everyday affairs to Christ, I am allowing Him to weave Himself into my being and becoming stronger. However... if I decide not to submit an area of my life to Christ I am leaving that part of the basket unwoven and it will be basically useless. Things would fall out of it and eventually the weight of the materials being held or carried would cause the basket's structure to begin to fray and break. Without full submission, there is never full use. I want to be used completely for Christ.
Last year I picked up a copy of "Passion and Purity" under the advice of another lady I respect, Allison. She told me that it really aided in her pursuit of a pure relationship with her now-fiancee, Jake (and since they are now engaged, I have to believe that this is the truth). So I spent the sixteen dollars and tax on this book and subsequently spent the next few days hating Elisabeth Elliot.
She made too much sense.
She spoke into places of my heart that weren't prepared to be spoken to.
I got angry.
I threw the book against the wall.
I calmed down, kept reading, and now, a year later, have come to realize what a treasure this book really is.
The biggest thing that I have learned from "Passion and Purity" is that the gift of love that God graces us with is not for us. It is for God. If the relationships that I have are not God-honoring then who are they for? And furthermore, if I seek to have a God-honoring relationship I must realize that this may not be permanent. God gives and takes away, and God may just take away the people that I have in my life. And I have to be willing to submit that to Him too.
Falling in love with God has been the most exhilarating experience of my life. I have never been so challenged, so intruded upon, so questioned, and so deeply loved by anyone else. I'm finding peace in my life that I did not know that I needed. I want people to continue to ask me the hard questions and really challenge me to grow more. After all, when you love somebody you want to know everything about them, don't you?
God-centered, God-seeking, authentic relationships require a level of openness and submission that I am not always comfortable with. Allowing trusted Christians into my life to openly question and challenge me about the blackest parts of my life (that I really would not like to be known at times) is hard. Americans like their privacy. Heck, people like their privacy. But I know that in order to grow, I have to be able to submit EVERYTHING to God - and if I don't... well then where is there room for growth?
Patience springs from this submission. When I submit to God the things that I would truly like to have right away (i.e. a job, school, a super sweet man, a boat, blah blah blah) I come to realize that these desires I have will either be fulfilled or not - but rushing them isn't going to make it any better. In fact, rushing anything can ruin the pleasure in the time I have to enjoy the road on the way to these things. By always looking to the future, I potentially miss the incredible present. And the present- well it's a present! Savoring the moment I am in now, enjoying what gifts I have been blessed with today, helps me have patience in waiting for what might come - and prevents the David-Bathsheba problem: desiring what I don't have even though I am immensely blessed right now.
When I think of submitting things in my life to Christ I think about the way that a basket is weaved. Each strip of the basket alone is weak - it could not, by itself, hold anything. But when interlaced with other strips of the basket, the structure becomes stronger and eventually can hold a great deal of material. When I submit my everyday affairs to Christ, I am allowing Him to weave Himself into my being and becoming stronger. However... if I decide not to submit an area of my life to Christ I am leaving that part of the basket unwoven and it will be basically useless. Things would fall out of it and eventually the weight of the materials being held or carried would cause the basket's structure to begin to fray and break. Without full submission, there is never full use. I want to be used completely for Christ.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Moses' Time
I was reading in Deuteronomy tonight and it dawned on me that people in Moses' time didn't have an entire Bible to reference for their lives with God. I'm certain most of them had to rely on word of mouth and trust that these decrees and laws set forth were from God and weren't just from some crazy man who claimed to be a leader and wanted power.
I feel fortunate that I live in a society where I have full access to God's word and can use it to strengthen me and revive me when I am weak. Why has this never occurred to me before tonight? I have this incredibly powerful story at my fingertips in all forms (there are at least six-ten Bibles in this apartment, four of which are mine) and on my new cell phone... there is no excuse for me to not be in the Word.
I remember in my first year of Christianity there was this woman, Nicole, who taped verses to her steering wheel to memorize during the week. She would have a new one each week. I want to do something like that... except I don't have a steering wheel to tape my verses. I have this paper from a Chi Alpha meeting awhile back that has all these references to places in the Bible to read when you are dealing with different issues (i.e. discouragement, sexual immorality, anger, etc). I hope to memorize one each week until I can recall them right away when I need to. I have never actually committed myself to memorizing scripture because I have never really found it useful. Lately, I have felt the deep desire to get into the word more often and seek to understand it better. I must say it interesting coincides with hanging out with some fantastic people who have been having a positive influence on me lately.
I think I am ready to start getting over myself and moving on towards the plan that God has for me. Honestly, I have no idea how it is going to happen because most of the time the things that God wants me to do seem incredibly impossible and difficult. Things I cannot do on my own.... I guess it is a good thing I have an all-powerful God on my side.
I feel fortunate that I live in a society where I have full access to God's word and can use it to strengthen me and revive me when I am weak. Why has this never occurred to me before tonight? I have this incredibly powerful story at my fingertips in all forms (there are at least six-ten Bibles in this apartment, four of which are mine) and on my new cell phone... there is no excuse for me to not be in the Word.
I remember in my first year of Christianity there was this woman, Nicole, who taped verses to her steering wheel to memorize during the week. She would have a new one each week. I want to do something like that... except I don't have a steering wheel to tape my verses. I have this paper from a Chi Alpha meeting awhile back that has all these references to places in the Bible to read when you are dealing with different issues (i.e. discouragement, sexual immorality, anger, etc). I hope to memorize one each week until I can recall them right away when I need to. I have never actually committed myself to memorizing scripture because I have never really found it useful. Lately, I have felt the deep desire to get into the word more often and seek to understand it better. I must say it interesting coincides with hanging out with some fantastic people who have been having a positive influence on me lately.
I think I am ready to start getting over myself and moving on towards the plan that God has for me. Honestly, I have no idea how it is going to happen because most of the time the things that God wants me to do seem incredibly impossible and difficult. Things I cannot do on my own.... I guess it is a good thing I have an all-powerful God on my side.
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