PASSION

Passion: (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)


a (1) : emotion (2) plural : the emotions as distinguished from reason
b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction
c :a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept
d :an object of desire or deep interest

Today I was discussing with my friend what we are passionate about. I said people, in the broad sense. He asked me what I meant when I said I was passionate about people. He believes that passion is an extremely strong word. He added that he has only met a few passionate people in his life and all were willing to go to great lengths for their passion. This was my reply:

"I mean that people, in their complexity and chemical make up, and their everyday lives have a lot to offer. And I want to help people. Sick people. Healthy people, etc. And I want to encourage others and go to places where others don't want to go to help them. I want to go to the slums and the violent broken places of the world to help them. I want to be the person who actually sees patients as people instead of just an illness or a pay check. I'm cleaning nasty toilets to be able to go to school to do just this. And I absolutely know it is 100% worth it."

So yes, I believe passion is the correct word for it. I am passionate about people. I am passionate about the life that people have and what they can potentially do with it if they are healthy.

As for the lengths I am willing to go, I am working as a custodian so I can return to school to become this woman who can help. I live across the country from my parents and have not seen either in almost two years. I listen to medical and educational and inspiring pod-casts during my work hours so that I can create a foundation to build upon for my future patients. I talk to people all around me, learning about who they are, what they want to be, how they came to be because I like people. I want to learn about people.

Passion. Yes, I have it. I want to share it.

(P.S. My friend believes me. He trusts my use of the word passion =))

Let's talk about sex, baby.

All my Christian life (which has been about three years-ish) I have been under the impression that everyone thought that lust was a "man problem". Women should not struggle with things like lust, masturbation, pornography, etc. I have never felt like this subject has been adequately addressed in the relationships that I have with other women or even in any small groups I have attended or sex-related discussions I have had.

Then why do I (personally) feel such a struggle? I'm a girl, I think about sex. I have a large desire to have sex or be sexually satisfied. At times, many times, I have given into this lush desire and ended up feeling ashamed and regretting my decision. I have even considered that sexuality is an affliction and humanity would be better off without it.

Part of my distaste for sexuality may stem from the fact that I have struggled with sexual imagery, exposure, and indulgence since I was very young. I was exposed to the world of sexual exploitation at age 5 when I stumbled across a stash of pornography hidden in the garage. Later on, the neighbor boy allowed us to have our way in a game if he was allowed to touch us in ways that we knew our mothers would not approve of. Around the age of 8, an older boy (about 12) played 'house' with me where he would simulate sexual actions with me to procreate. Six years later, I would begin willingly participating in sexual activity at the age of 14, only to be forced into it at the age of 15. I became promiscuous and eager to please my partners until I attended my first year of college and finally met God.

Today, at 20, I have attended counseling sessions, read numerous books, and turned to God to forgive myself and the others involved in this tainting of what sex was intended to be for me, and for all of those involved. It is still a process. At times, it leads my life. My battle is not over yet. (Ex) Boyfriend and I have been in a sexual battle for over a year now. We attempt to win, and often lose. Both of us have a long history of sexual sins that have led our lives.

I want to come across an author who has addressed this issue to women in a manner that is scriptural and relational. Sexual impurity and lust is not just a man issue. I am currently reading "Sex is not the problem (lust is)" by Joshua Harris. I have to say that it is the closest I have come so far to an author who has hit the nail on the head.

There are certain repetitive ideas that come to light in all the reading that I have done over the years and all the sermons I have listened to on sex and lust.

They are:

1. Sex is NOT bad. Sex is good... BUT sex is designed by God to be within marriage not because he is squashing your fun, but because of the amount of physical, mental, and spiritual connection that occurs within sex.

(NOTE! There is actually a scientific connection to this as well. Oxytocin (a hormone) is released during sex and in breastfeeding to create bonding.

(See: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/200901/good-sex-is-good-relationships)

(There are other references, but Google is a good tool for all of you wanting more proof.)

2. Sexual desire is not something we can eradicate from our lives. It is like attempting to eradicate the need for oxygen in the body. However, there is healthy and unhealthy sexual desire, and we need to be able to recognize the difference.

3. Lust is what the issue is. Lust comes from dwelling on an idea or subject and eventually fantasizing upon it. I.e., seeing hot man (or woman) in supermarket and imagining your sex life.

4. We cannot control our lust and sexual desires without God. God created sexual desire to be good, but lust is what gets out of control.

Perhaps this book I am reading now will shed some new light on the subject, or maybe even lead to candid discussion with the women in my life. Sex is a tough topic. It is an embarrassing topic. I have learned that it is a topic that must be discussed, or it will consume you.

For a few books/audio about relationships/sex/etc. I suggest:

"Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot (I wanted to throw this book against the wall because it made me so mad that my relationship did reflect God the way hers did)

"Sex is not the problem (lust is)" by Joshua Harris (Ok, I'm not done with this one, but I can't not recommend the book I am currently reading)

www.boundless.org has an abundance of Christian based information and articles that will get you thinking. I suggest "Sex at the Edge of the Night" by J. Budziszewski.

L.O.V.E.

There are about a million or so songs in this world that attempt to define love. Since the dawn of time the world "love" seems to have haunted all of humanity. We revolve our lives around attaining love, keeping love, being betrayed by love, etc. Love is used to advertise, to win over people, and even to blackmail people. We see it in the media every day and love is loosely portrayed in our entertainment.

What is love after all?

If I were to look at a few songs from the past I would find some lines such as:

"L is for the way you look at me, O is for the only one I see, V is very very extraordinary, E is even more than anyone that you adore.." by Nat King Cole

Or perhaps a man with the LOVE in his name, Samuel Lover, has something to say:

"Come live in my heart, and pay no rent."

I believe that the best description of love comes not from something that has attempted to capture the essence of love in the past hundred years, but from a verse that was written in a letter to the church in Corinth over 2000 years ago.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
First Corinthians (A letter to the church in Corinth) in the New Testament

From this, I derive that love is an action, not a feeling. Nowhere in this statement does it say that love is a sexy night after some drinks or love is a marriage proposal.

This letter treats love as if it is an actual tangible thing that people can treat correctly or incorrectly. If there is love, then this is it. This does not imply that this is romantic love, but so many (including myself at times) interprets it solely as the definition for romantic love.

The truth is that romantic love fades. The gooey sappy lovey-dovey period ends and then life begins. Many relationships do not make it past this point because they are not committed to making it work. They do not take the matter of love seriously. But if they were to use this slight example of what love can look like and choose daily to make their love as it is depicted, they would be doing a better job loving their significant other than they were during the sappy period!

I believe that love is a choice. We wake up every morning and we can allow the things in life to affect our capability to love one another or we can wake up in the morning and choose to love the people around us regardless of what happens. It requires being selfless. Love is hard! Love is worth it.

The top love quotes on many sites are about selflessness. People understand this concept. People do not put this concept into action. (This includes myself!)

I am going to try to become a better lover-of-my-neighbors. I am going to try to truly live out this piece of scripture that has been with me since 12 years of age. In fact, my Valentine's day letter contained this piece of scripture and explained how I walked this out in my day to day life. It was very nice, but I believe I can be more, love more, do more.

Dresses and the smell of spring!

Spring is just around the corner and I am SO ready to ditch my jeans and jackets for dresses and sandals.

I love spring. I love the smell of fresh rain, the beauty of tulips poking through the ground, the sunny and mild weather, and DRESSES.

As a child I detested the very thought of wearing a dress. I remember fighting with my mother over wearing dresses. I wanted to wear pants and a shirt and THAT WAS IT, MOM!
Today, I find something utterly alluring about the idea of a dress. I adore finding cute, everyday dresses that provide enough cover to be modest, yet are cute and with today's styles. I find that with my lighter skin tone, light colors seem to wear well on me. Take this dress for example:


I love the eyelet dresses! I used to have a white strapless one that I adored.

My job choice will not allow me to wear dresses all the time. Cleaning in a dress is not ideal. I feel bad for those 1950's housewives. The very thought of cleaning in a dress and heels makes my calves ache.

When I am not at work, the dirty jeans and old t-shirts will be a forgotten item until winter rolls around again. Dresses and skirts and a few pairs of capri pants will be my friend for the warm weather months!

I pulled all my "warm winter scents" from my closet two days ago and replaced them with my "fresh spring and summer scents". I just adore Bath & Body Work's new Carried Away scent. It smells like raspberries, which brings me back to childhood.

Perhaps some believe it is strange that I do this ritual-like change of scents and my wardrobe. I think that it is important to present yourself to the public in a fashionable and pleasant manner. Smelling good and looking good are important in society's eye. I do not believe fashion to be the epitome of all importance, but I certainly see the value in owning a few good items of clothing.

I know my roommates might have the impression that I am a little crazy when it comes to scents. But if they could smell the way I do, I think they would understand. If I come into a room and someone has eaten something that smells remotely strong (onions, garlic, some meats, etc.) I want to barf. It revolts me. I cannot explain why. I enjoy scents like apples, vanilla, raspberry, etc.. but meat, garlic, eggs, onions, grease... VOMIT CITY!

Oh, Valentine!

I will be the first to admit that I am afflicted with serious cognitive dissonance when it comes to Valentine's Day.

Instead of two conflicting ideas, I possess THREE.

1. I really love Valentine's Day. It gives me an excuse to get flowers, eat delicious chocolate (although I must admit that I really do not like boxed chocolates, unless they are from Godiva... Yes, I am a chocolate snob) and be wooed by prospective or current lovers.

2. Valentine's Day has been over commercialized. Greeting card and chocolate companies make millions of dollars every year during the February rush. Women adore the delivery of flowers, candy and other goodies on the 14th. This makes me doubt the sincerity of Valentine's Day. There are also a crop of proposals that come just around the second week of February. To me, it almost seems cheesy now. Regardless of this view, a girl can't get enough of the love!

3. Why are we celebrating something in the way we do when the things it is associated with (St. Valentine's Day massacre, the various Valentine's, etc.) We behave as if this celebration has always been about Hallmark Cards, dinner, chocolate, and confessions of love but that is not true!

Read for yourself at: http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day

Regardless of these three conflicting views, I still appreciate the gifts I received tonight.

After my weekly dinner discussion of "Mere Christianity" and an episode of Dexter I walked across the parking lot to my apartment. When I walked inside, there was a vase of beautiful long stemmed roses, a heart-shaped box of chocolates, a box of ginger peach tea, and a thick envelope on top of it all. Initially I believed that this display must be for my roommate, Megan. Her boyfriend, Colin, is always lavishing her with roses and adoration. He really is wonderful to her. The curious this was the chocolates - Megan is a vegan! My next best guess was Kayla. She is engaged and has been longing for beautiful flowers for awhile now. But why would she have ignored the note?

I was curious, so I glanced at the name on the letter. "Katherine" was scrawled on the front of the envelope. In a rush, I grabbed the envelope and rushed into the back of my apartment where Kayla was working on her portfolio. "Did you see what is out there?!" I squealed. "Yes, and you're really loud." Kayla replied.

I opened the letter and read the four pages enclosed inside.

... And if I told you what was inside that wouldn't make it special anymore, now would it??

Fierce Love

Emotions are so powerful. We can feel captivated, crushed, enraptured, enamored, angry, compassionate, lonely, important, degraded... all in the matter of minutes. All of these emotions are real and we feel them very deeply in the untouchable parts of our being. Here's the kicker - they may not be true.

For example:

Boyfriend (ex) just called me about a half hour ago to tell me we can no longer see each other. Instant emotional tidal wave crushing the very being of my heart. We already broke up two or three weeks ago and I felt my world collapsing around me as I cried (bawled, sobbed, felt like my stomach was going to come out of me and my ribs were going to break to pieces as my now black and dead heart bounced on the floor).

Now comes the interesting part of this break up extraordinaire - we both know that it is for the right reasons. We aren't angry with one another. Actually, we both really care for one another.

Background story:

Our relationship was originally based on this guy that Boyfriend used to be. He was trying to be a godly man, one of excellent morals, one who was funny and smart and witty. He knew when to tease me and when to quit, we had deep conversations, and we talked every night for six months after I moved to Minnesota and away from him.

When I moved to Washington last year about this time, I was already deeply and madly and fiercly in love with him. That still has not changed. But our relationship ended up becoming a trap. We were getting in each others ways and most importantly, getting in the way of God.

When Boyfriend (ex) and I are apart, I quickly find my way back into God's arms. I look in the mirror. I am honest with myself. I am honest with God. I realized that it is going to be awhile before I am fully alright again and suddenly I find myself happier, more free, able to enjoy God's glory. I find myself picking up relationships I have abandoned because I have been trapped inside my emotional hurricane that I created myself. By escaping this emotional hurricane, I become a better and happier person. I am able to do more for God and for the people around me.
Boyfriend (ex) knows this. He sees it the next time we are together... and then envelops me back into his hurricane. (Not on purpose of course, but because I miss him and I love him, I want to be around him. I'm comfortable. See how this happens???)

Now this is just speculation, so I am not 100% sure if this is true:
Boyfriend (ex) seems to stay trapped in his emotional hurricane. He can't escape it because he hasn't faced the demon of a hurricane. He hasn't acknowledged the steps that he needs to take to be able to return to his original state.

Now back to the point:
So many times I 'feel' a certain way. Someone cuts me off on the freeway and I get angry. I am hurting becuase Boyfriend (ex) and I are apart.

What if I knew the intentions of the person that was cutting me off on the freeway? Perhaps they were in a hurry to get to work on time. Boyfriend (ex) actually DOES care for me and we are apart because he isn't the person that he can be when we are together.

Both situations are extremely difficult because we really do feel these emotions. When people are lonely or upset, it is hard to see past those emotions to get to the truth. More times than not there is an upside to the situation.

It can work in the opposite direction as well. People can be very much in love and be getting married but do not have their married life planned. They may not understand how they are going to work on finances together, or if they both want children, or if they are honestly marriable.

People can be happy when they are on drugs but the drugs can be destroying their bodies.

So the next time that you get caught up in your emotions (and if you are like me, this is on a daily basis) take a minute to really evaulate if your emotions are true to the situation.

Johnny Mop

In one of the main buildings at Eastern Washington University there are about 18 bathrooms. Of those 18 bathrooms, I have cleaned each one at least once.

Cleaning a bathroom takes more than you would think. I used to be one of those people who would have to go to the bathroom and rush to the nearest one, expecting it to be open, only to find the "closed for cleaning" sign hanging on the door. My head would drop, my body would threaten to release its contents on the ground, and I would be off in search of the next closest restroom. I would be frustrated with the people who inconvenienced me. I had to use the bathroom!

Now, I understand. Cleaning a bathroom is dirty work, and instead of admonishing those poor souls, I should have been thankful for their work!

Have you ever stepped into a bathroom stall only to find the seat smeared with poo? Custodians clean that poo.

Have you ever dropped something dirty on the floor and left it there?
Custodians pick that dirty something up.

I'm squeamish just thinking about the state of the restrooms I have cleaned thus far (and it is only day four!).

It isn't that I mind cleaning up after people. Actually, the work is instantly satisfying and I really enjoy it. I am so thankful that I am getting the hours I am, paid the amount I am, and have a chance to get to know Eastern and the people who work here.

I am really hoping that I will be hired on full time. My lead manager seems to like me and I do try to do the best I can!

New pathway, same destination

Today I am starting as temporary custodial staff. I am excited to be earning the amount I will, to have an eagle card that will make me feel like a part of the university, and to get a leg up in paying off my old school! I am so blessed right now.

Sure, custodial work isn't the greatest. It's going to be hard and I am going to come home sweaty, nasty, and more words that just mean gross. But I will have a great attitude because I am earning my way back into school. That is the most important thing right now.

I am with my roommate right now in the Ed Lab at EWU. She is going to bring me home where I am going to eat, celebrate, and nap before I go to work at 3:30. I plan on taking a lot of cold medicine before I go to work.

I will be working 5 days a week 4:30pm-12:30am. I will probably have to walk home and to work a few times (which will be a little cold, but hey, more exercise!) but overall this will be a great thing for me. The custodial manager seems nice, and apparently the woman I am training with is nice.

A lot of people think that custodial work is beneath them. Admittidly, I did not want to be doing something like this either. I think the lesson to be learned here is that a job is a job and honest work is honest work. I will be making the best out of this... and who knows, I could be back in school in a matter of months!