I am typing in my bathroom because there is nowhere else available in my apartment to do this. We are hosting a guest from Whatcom (a community college) who is sleeping in our living room and my shared room is currently housing my roommate who is deeply sleeping. So... I am sitting on the tile in my bathroom typing.
I have been working on a few of my goals simultaneously in the past week. I finally began working on my goal of starting a non-profit organization. I spoke to a few friends and am having lunch with S. tomorrow, who has a degree in business. She should be able to help me get a better idea of what I will need to be doing over the next year or so.
I also got word from the government that I will be receiving a Pell Grant next year to the tune of $5,550 towards Eastern. That means I will only need a couple grand more to cover the rest of tuition and books. I will rent most of my textbooks online (chegg.com is a GREAT resource) and pool the rest of my money from work. I am very very thrilled to go back to school. I still need to pay of the rest of St. Kate's and somehow pay of my mother (she gave 1/2 of what I owed to the school) but I will at least be able to finish my degree. This is AWESOME!
I also purchased new running shoes this past weekend when I was in Missoula, MT. They are supposed to help stop pronation during running (and I have a terrible pronation problem). I tested them out today on the treadmill and I was able to run farther than I ever have with absolutely zero foot pain. There is a win for Asics!
Bloomsday for the win!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
High School Prom
... Ok I am little old to be attending a high school prom.
When I was a junior in high school my boyfriend at the time, Avery, invited me to his prom at Pope John Paul the II Senior High School. (Our relationship lasted a week. I was terrible. If you ever read this Avery, I am so so sorry...) There was this girl, Jennie, who was attending the prom with her boyfriend who I was hanging out with a lot shortly before they got back together. Drama drama drama. All I remember is my step-mom laughing because Jennie came down from college to attend the high school prom with her boyfriend. Poor girl, she just wanted to spend time with him. And her dress was smokin' hot. She made it herself!
None of this is the point. Getting ready for prom was a blast. The prom itself was alright. I don't remember much besides sitting at a table and giving Jennie compliments even though she hated me. I remember doing my hair and makeup and getting ready and putting this beautiful corsage on that Avery's mom had purchased for us. There are pictures online somewhere.
The same went for when I was a senior... except I was on my own to fund the prom. My parents didn't really have the money for me to go out and get my hair and my nails done like all the other girls, much less buy a really expensive dress and a limo and all that. My school had received donations from various local businesses that donated corsages/boutonnieres, nails, hair, etc. I got the gamut. I found TWO beautiful dresses for free from the donation piles, I got jewelery that was donated, my nails done (and I got out of school for that one), my hair done, and my college boyfriend came down to see me for it. My prom was perfect. After prom we went to the beach and hung out there. It was beautiful. It was an excellent ending to high school. My fairytale prom happened because some nice people donated their time and money to making the night memorable.
I got to thinking lately that this may not be true at every high school. What about my local high school, Cheney High? Do girls and guys get the same opportunities that I got in Venice, Florida? I called the other day to find out and they returned my call this morning. Tomorrow I will be contacting their senior adviser to see what they have in place and if I can help. I would love to volunteer my time (since I sell mark. makeup and can do the girls' makeup if they would like) or help procure donations from local businesses to make the night memorable. Heck, I'd even buy a couple pairs of tickets to the dance to donate to a couple who otherwise couldn't afford the prom.
I was also thinking about doing a demonstration about what a drunk driving car accident could look like if teens on their night out decided to drink and drive. (Or just drink period.) Fire departments sometimes will do demonstrations and I think it would be a fantastic idea to get them involved. Not only would they get practice but the kids would get a valuable life lesson. Bueno. I will be contacting them after I get the go-ahead from Mr. Adviser at CHS.
My heart is swelling just thinking about being pro-active in my community. So much for my heart break!
When I was a junior in high school my boyfriend at the time, Avery, invited me to his prom at Pope John Paul the II Senior High School. (Our relationship lasted a week. I was terrible. If you ever read this Avery, I am so so sorry...) There was this girl, Jennie, who was attending the prom with her boyfriend who I was hanging out with a lot shortly before they got back together. Drama drama drama. All I remember is my step-mom laughing because Jennie came down from college to attend the high school prom with her boyfriend. Poor girl, she just wanted to spend time with him. And her dress was smokin' hot. She made it herself!
None of this is the point. Getting ready for prom was a blast. The prom itself was alright. I don't remember much besides sitting at a table and giving Jennie compliments even though she hated me. I remember doing my hair and makeup and getting ready and putting this beautiful corsage on that Avery's mom had purchased for us. There are pictures online somewhere.
The same went for when I was a senior... except I was on my own to fund the prom. My parents didn't really have the money for me to go out and get my hair and my nails done like all the other girls, much less buy a really expensive dress and a limo and all that. My school had received donations from various local businesses that donated corsages/boutonnieres, nails, hair, etc. I got the gamut. I found TWO beautiful dresses for free from the donation piles, I got jewelery that was donated, my nails done (and I got out of school for that one), my hair done, and my college boyfriend came down to see me for it. My prom was perfect. After prom we went to the beach and hung out there. It was beautiful. It was an excellent ending to high school. My fairytale prom happened because some nice people donated their time and money to making the night memorable.
I got to thinking lately that this may not be true at every high school. What about my local high school, Cheney High? Do girls and guys get the same opportunities that I got in Venice, Florida? I called the other day to find out and they returned my call this morning. Tomorrow I will be contacting their senior adviser to see what they have in place and if I can help. I would love to volunteer my time (since I sell mark. makeup and can do the girls' makeup if they would like) or help procure donations from local businesses to make the night memorable. Heck, I'd even buy a couple pairs of tickets to the dance to donate to a couple who otherwise couldn't afford the prom.
I was also thinking about doing a demonstration about what a drunk driving car accident could look like if teens on their night out decided to drink and drive. (Or just drink period.) Fire departments sometimes will do demonstrations and I think it would be a fantastic idea to get them involved. Not only would they get practice but the kids would get a valuable life lesson. Bueno. I will be contacting them after I get the go-ahead from Mr. Adviser at CHS.
My heart is swelling just thinking about being pro-active in my community. So much for my heart break!
Falsely Enchanted
I'm sure by looking at previous posts any person with common sense could tell that my relationship with ex-B was not a fairytale. We have, erm, had a lot of problems between us that ranged from serious to well, relationship ending. Once again, I am sitting here at 2 a.m., heartbroken and hoping to be distracted by some t.v. show or song when I should be getting some sleep. Time and prayer are the only two drugs that can dull the pain that comes in waves.
This ending is different. I say that every time, however I am not told every time by ex-B that he is not interested in my life anymore. He told me that I deserve someone who is interested in my life and wants to be there... and basically I am not interesting enough to hold his attention.
My interpretation, as a woman, is that I am not good enough for him no matter what I do. I never have been and never will be. Upon further thinking I began to believe that perhaps I am too much for him and I shouldn't have divulged my true self to him because no man would ever be able to really handle me. After awhile of this (and it is still going on to an extent) I was knocked on the head with the reality that I am being viciously lied to by my worst enemy. If I succumb to this lie it will seep into all my relationships. I have worked extremely hard to escape the abandonment, neglect, and general parental issues that I was weighed down by with my childhood. How dare my worst enemy attempt this horrific act of violence against what tower of beauty and strength God and I have constructed inside of me over the past few years?
Guess it is a good thing that God and I have laid a foundation in case of an earthquake that would crack the tower's walls.
I know I am speaking in a ton of metaphor.
Point blank is that I cannot let this control me anymore. I have so much going for me and so much opportunity out there that God is presenting me with. I have to go through the grieving process because I have lost someone I really deeply love to stupidity and bad choices, but I cannot let my emotions become a roadblock to the beautiful, strong, intelligent, and warm woman that God created me to become.
I really am going to miss ex-B. He became a part of me over the last two years and the ways that are paths crossed was not a mistake. I have my new home here in Washington because I met that guy at a summer camp where I knew no one. I have wonderful friends that he introduced me to at a church group on campus. I grew in my relationship with Christ exponentially during that summer thanks to our conversations and his challenges for me. I miss the old ex-B a lot as well. I hope that he comes back one day.
I did get crabby with a roomie today though because I was sleeping on the couch and she came and woke me up at some godforesaken early hour in the morning and basically yelled at me to go to sleep in my room. Why is it such a big deal to sleep on the couch? I was upset and wanted to not be in my bedroom! That's not a big deal to me, but she thought it was weird. Newsflash: people are weird in general. Just because one person thinks something is strange doesn't mean it is causing harm to anyone else. I wasn't causing damage by sleeping on the couch so just leave me there and leave me alone please!
I really do need some fellowship soon. I am going to MT this weekend and Jarod's not a fellowship-y kind of guy so I am going to need a serious dose sometime soon, especially if I am going to get through this drawn out breakup intact. I am in a large amount of pain that hits me like a brick wall at times and I really need a reliable and comforting shoulder to lay on.
Oh and ex-B's mom texted me today and asked if I was ok. I thought it was strange because she hasn't spoken to me in a long time. I said I was physically because I don't know if she knows about the breakup or not. I am going to assume she does (and yes I know what that does) but she also asked me if I want to have coffee... I said yes because I do actually like the woman but I am really hoping I am not going to get lectured or something through this because I actually love ex-B and if I get flak for our relationship my coffee is probably going to end up in the trash and I will be out the door.
This ending is different. I say that every time, however I am not told every time by ex-B that he is not interested in my life anymore. He told me that I deserve someone who is interested in my life and wants to be there... and basically I am not interesting enough to hold his attention.
My interpretation, as a woman, is that I am not good enough for him no matter what I do. I never have been and never will be. Upon further thinking I began to believe that perhaps I am too much for him and I shouldn't have divulged my true self to him because no man would ever be able to really handle me. After awhile of this (and it is still going on to an extent) I was knocked on the head with the reality that I am being viciously lied to by my worst enemy. If I succumb to this lie it will seep into all my relationships. I have worked extremely hard to escape the abandonment, neglect, and general parental issues that I was weighed down by with my childhood. How dare my worst enemy attempt this horrific act of violence against what tower of beauty and strength God and I have constructed inside of me over the past few years?
Guess it is a good thing that God and I have laid a foundation in case of an earthquake that would crack the tower's walls.
I know I am speaking in a ton of metaphor.
Point blank is that I cannot let this control me anymore. I have so much going for me and so much opportunity out there that God is presenting me with. I have to go through the grieving process because I have lost someone I really deeply love to stupidity and bad choices, but I cannot let my emotions become a roadblock to the beautiful, strong, intelligent, and warm woman that God created me to become.
I really am going to miss ex-B. He became a part of me over the last two years and the ways that are paths crossed was not a mistake. I have my new home here in Washington because I met that guy at a summer camp where I knew no one. I have wonderful friends that he introduced me to at a church group on campus. I grew in my relationship with Christ exponentially during that summer thanks to our conversations and his challenges for me. I miss the old ex-B a lot as well. I hope that he comes back one day.
I did get crabby with a roomie today though because I was sleeping on the couch and she came and woke me up at some godforesaken early hour in the morning and basically yelled at me to go to sleep in my room. Why is it such a big deal to sleep on the couch? I was upset and wanted to not be in my bedroom! That's not a big deal to me, but she thought it was weird. Newsflash: people are weird in general. Just because one person thinks something is strange doesn't mean it is causing harm to anyone else. I wasn't causing damage by sleeping on the couch so just leave me there and leave me alone please!
I really do need some fellowship soon. I am going to MT this weekend and Jarod's not a fellowship-y kind of guy so I am going to need a serious dose sometime soon, especially if I am going to get through this drawn out breakup intact. I am in a large amount of pain that hits me like a brick wall at times and I really need a reliable and comforting shoulder to lay on.
Oh and ex-B's mom texted me today and asked if I was ok. I thought it was strange because she hasn't spoken to me in a long time. I said I was physically because I don't know if she knows about the breakup or not. I am going to assume she does (and yes I know what that does) but she also asked me if I want to have coffee... I said yes because I do actually like the woman but I am really hoping I am not going to get lectured or something through this because I actually love ex-B and if I get flak for our relationship my coffee is probably going to end up in the trash and I will be out the door.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Things I want to do
It's still 4 a.m. (Well 4:30 now.)
But I need to write this down:
1. I want to start a group or a community outreach program for high school girls. I want to teach the "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" and do programs that address things that plague a lot of teenagers today: i.e. eating disorders, relationships, family issues, drugs, etc. I also want to provide factual and positive information on health and beauty to these girls. It would also be fun to do things like makeovers for prom and other dances for these girls.
2. I want to obtain a nursing and psychology degree from EWU and eventually apply for medical school (I am not sure where). During my course of study at EWU I want to dabble in anthropology and investigate the health care system through a few criminal justice, economics, and other classes that will assist me in my eventual career as a doctor. I want to become an excellent writer so I can write proposals/grants, etc. During my time at Eastern I want to be involved with the school newspaper and literary magazine. I also do not want to take out any more student loans during my time at Eastern.
3. I want to take a few painting classes to balance out my academia and produce people-centered artwork.
4. I want to run Bloomsday.
5. I want to live in Italy for three months.
6. I want to work with Partners In Health in Haiti for an extended period of time (probably six months at first, then return for a year to two years) aiding in Women's Health.
7. I want to finish my book list. I have a new book list every year and I never finish it. This year, I want to finish it.
8. I want to begin to write regularly, hopefully one day finishing my memoir on the impact of exposure to sexuality at a young age.
That's all for now!
But I need to write this down:
1. I want to start a group or a community outreach program for high school girls. I want to teach the "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" and do programs that address things that plague a lot of teenagers today: i.e. eating disorders, relationships, family issues, drugs, etc. I also want to provide factual and positive information on health and beauty to these girls. It would also be fun to do things like makeovers for prom and other dances for these girls.
2. I want to obtain a nursing and psychology degree from EWU and eventually apply for medical school (I am not sure where). During my course of study at EWU I want to dabble in anthropology and investigate the health care system through a few criminal justice, economics, and other classes that will assist me in my eventual career as a doctor. I want to become an excellent writer so I can write proposals/grants, etc. During my time at Eastern I want to be involved with the school newspaper and literary magazine. I also do not want to take out any more student loans during my time at Eastern.
3. I want to take a few painting classes to balance out my academia and produce people-centered artwork.
4. I want to run Bloomsday.
5. I want to live in Italy for three months.
6. I want to work with Partners In Health in Haiti for an extended period of time (probably six months at first, then return for a year to two years) aiding in Women's Health.
7. I want to finish my book list. I have a new book list every year and I never finish it. This year, I want to finish it.
8. I want to begin to write regularly, hopefully one day finishing my memoir on the impact of exposure to sexuality at a young age.
That's all for now!
Who Am I Living For?
I was about to finally sleep (it is four a.m.) when I felt the urge to write. The very persistent 'you must get up and do this right now' urge. So here I am.
I bought an Ipod Nano last week (tiny, pink, and 8gb of song capacity) and downloaded Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" album. There are a lot of catchy and dance-able tunes on the album that have been helping me get through my grueling Bloomsday workouts and long work hours. There is also once specific song that has been haunting me for the last week.
The song is titled "Who Am I Living For?" and is reminiscent of her Katy Hudson days.
I really need to answer this question.
Who am I living for, really?
Boyfriend (ex) and I really quit talking this time, or so it seems. There has been so much involved in that relationship that I am not sure that it is ever fixable. I said some pretty hurtful things the other night out of frustration, desperation to save the remains of the relationship, and anger. I tried to apologize. but I am not sure if he could accept my apology. Only time will tell I suppose.
We were both really selfish in the relationship, with the outer appearance of not being selfish at all. Or so that is what I believe. A podcast I listened to about spiritual friendship sort of backs that belief as well. In this podcast the leader speaks about how if we really love one another, we will put another persons eternal life as the most important thing in the relationship, and not our own needs. Boyfriend (ex) and I really didn't do that. I was living for myself in this instance, even at some times living for him because I wanted to make him happy. Somewhere inside of me I knew all along it is impossible to make another person happy, that we, as humans, can only supplement that happiness... but I was blinded by myself. Tricked by my own self. I lied to myself.
(Sidenote: One thing that surprised me about that podcast was the leader saying that God is not all that we need... that we need each other as well. The example he used was Adam and God in the garden together, completely one on one, and the creation was not yet complete... so he created Eve because "it is not good for man to be alone")
I really do feel like I am living for myself a lot more than I am living for God. Poor Boyfriend (ex) has it worse than I do though. (Ok, sorry people, I miss him and actually do love this guy and it is going to be awhile before I can get off this man boat.) In the past I have been able to quickly acknowledge there is a turn around point and want to hop on board the God-train. Boyfriend(ex) seems to take the long route back. I am afraid this time it is going to take me longer too. (I really hope not. I am really hurt though, and heart-broken me is not an easy thing to just smile at and say "oh it's ok, you'll be alright")
This weekend I am going to EWU's Military Ball with a friend of mine from the Florida days. He is well aware of what is going on between Boyfriend (ex) and I and has sworn to prevent me from making dumb choices at the after party. Part of me wants to make dumb choices to get revenge and break his heart more than he broke mine (extremely petty, immature, emotion based, and highly illogical, I KNOW)... the larger, more logical and dominating part of me thinks that the other part of me should get a life and realize how stupid that is.
... Enter the line "I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames calling my name"
Katy, you got it right on.
I can completely see the life that God wants for me right now. I can see how I am being blessed abundantly financially and how this break-off with Boyfriend(ex) can be tremendously helpful for both of our lives and really give us an opportunity to actually (and maybe for the first time ever) demonstrate love in each others lives (by staying away at least until our strengths are renewed). I can see the desire to get involved in community outreach rising in me again. I can see the me God wants right in front of my face...
But the petty, woe is me, wallow in my emotions, stay up until extremely late doing things I can do tomorrow, "have a drink Katt", "make out with a random person to numb yourself Katt", "take this path Katt", "make these bad financial choices Katt", "listen to these lies Katt", "Do what feels good"...
All those things are SCREAMING at me... and I am afraid they have the potential to drown out the good.
I want the good. I want to fight for the good.
I can't ignore this war.
I bought an Ipod Nano last week (tiny, pink, and 8gb of song capacity) and downloaded Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" album. There are a lot of catchy and dance-able tunes on the album that have been helping me get through my grueling Bloomsday workouts and long work hours. There is also once specific song that has been haunting me for the last week.
The song is titled "Who Am I Living For?" and is reminiscent of her Katy Hudson days.
It's never easy to be chosen
It's never easy to be called
Standing on the front line
When the bombs start to fall
I can see the heavens
But I can still hear the flames calling my name
I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
It's never easy to be called
Standing on the front line
When the bombs start to fall
I can see the heavens
But I can still hear the flames calling my name
I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
I really need to answer this question.
Who am I living for, really?
Boyfriend (ex) and I really quit talking this time, or so it seems. There has been so much involved in that relationship that I am not sure that it is ever fixable. I said some pretty hurtful things the other night out of frustration, desperation to save the remains of the relationship, and anger. I tried to apologize. but I am not sure if he could accept my apology. Only time will tell I suppose.
We were both really selfish in the relationship, with the outer appearance of not being selfish at all. Or so that is what I believe. A podcast I listened to about spiritual friendship sort of backs that belief as well. In this podcast the leader speaks about how if we really love one another, we will put another persons eternal life as the most important thing in the relationship, and not our own needs. Boyfriend (ex) and I really didn't do that. I was living for myself in this instance, even at some times living for him because I wanted to make him happy. Somewhere inside of me I knew all along it is impossible to make another person happy, that we, as humans, can only supplement that happiness... but I was blinded by myself. Tricked by my own self. I lied to myself.
(Sidenote: One thing that surprised me about that podcast was the leader saying that God is not all that we need... that we need each other as well. The example he used was Adam and God in the garden together, completely one on one, and the creation was not yet complete... so he created Eve because "it is not good for man to be alone")
I really do feel like I am living for myself a lot more than I am living for God. Poor Boyfriend (ex) has it worse than I do though. (Ok, sorry people, I miss him and actually do love this guy and it is going to be awhile before I can get off this man boat.) In the past I have been able to quickly acknowledge there is a turn around point and want to hop on board the God-train. Boyfriend(ex) seems to take the long route back. I am afraid this time it is going to take me longer too. (I really hope not. I am really hurt though, and heart-broken me is not an easy thing to just smile at and say "oh it's ok, you'll be alright")
This weekend I am going to EWU's Military Ball with a friend of mine from the Florida days. He is well aware of what is going on between Boyfriend (ex) and I and has sworn to prevent me from making dumb choices at the after party. Part of me wants to make dumb choices to get revenge and break his heart more than he broke mine (extremely petty, immature, emotion based, and highly illogical, I KNOW)... the larger, more logical and dominating part of me thinks that the other part of me should get a life and realize how stupid that is.
... Enter the line "I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames calling my name"
Katy, you got it right on.
I can completely see the life that God wants for me right now. I can see how I am being blessed abundantly financially and how this break-off with Boyfriend(ex) can be tremendously helpful for both of our lives and really give us an opportunity to actually (and maybe for the first time ever) demonstrate love in each others lives (by staying away at least until our strengths are renewed). I can see the desire to get involved in community outreach rising in me again. I can see the me God wants right in front of my face...
But the petty, woe is me, wallow in my emotions, stay up until extremely late doing things I can do tomorrow, "have a drink Katt", "make out with a random person to numb yourself Katt", "take this path Katt", "make these bad financial choices Katt", "listen to these lies Katt", "Do what feels good"...
All those things are SCREAMING at me... and I am afraid they have the potential to drown out the good.
I want the good. I want to fight for the good.
I can't ignore this war.
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